Looking at job listings in NYC, and jobs in SF that may help me relocate to NYC at some point, and I can’t avoid a common takeaway: I don’t want to do the majority of these jobs.

So, while I’ll keep applying to only the amazing options, I think my focus needs to be on exiting the system altogether and getting my social networks up to snuff and earning.

This is mainly just ensuring I put aside enough money to hire a developer in the short term, and then launch the sites before summer.

I’ve also been doing some work on the side, which is interesting, but ultimately may not bring in enough money to justify the lost hours.

I have a habit of not doing anything that will help me personally when I have a job. I gain weight. Work out less. East the wrong (vegan) foods more often. Stop reading. Stop writing. And the only thing that is accomplished is the 40 hours.

That said, I do a good job for my employers, but it is rarely anything I see as useful long-term.

None of this is new to me. But I think it finally needs to be phased out, if possible.

I need a job where I set my own hours, and the only shifting of gears is between working on my websites and working on my writing. The other upside of the website option is that it is portable.

Ideally, I’d like a system where I could just decide to work in Austin for 6 months, and then Italy for 6 months, etc., and make my input to the websites minimal enough to matter, but not be required. I’d mainly be working on rolling out new features, expanding the membership, and providing value. Unlike a blog where it is all about me hunting everything down material every day.

So, after I finish up this current freelance gig, all my time wll go to the business plan for the site, locking down what it needs to have, what is required to build it, what I can outsource (data entry), what I can do, what the developer will need to do, etc.

I’ve got to grab this by the reigns and start steering this ship in another direction.

I’ve never been one for New Year’s Resolutions (although I’m so consistently inconsistent there’s probably a post like this every year), but I am feeling in the mood this year, and there are some things I am specifically starting now.

I want to consume less things on a deeper level. Right now, I take in too much media on a superficial level. I see too many movies, hear too much music, and it is all processed as something disposable because, the way I’ve been doing things, it has been. On my recent holiday visit back east, I played the latest U2 album while cautiously driving through recently fallen snow, and although I’ve heard the album in bits and pieces, and know some songs better than others, it was great hearing it as a complete work. I have a lot of media that will only be improved by giving it more attention, so I want to do that.

I plan to be less of a pirate this year. I take in a lot of things I don’t pay for, and with some exceptions, I am putting an end to it. Here are the exceptions:

• Regional releases. If you’re a UK comic that doesn’t sell stuff in the US, or through iTunes, I will download what you sell in the UK. If a show airs in the UK with no plans to air or be released in the US (like the recent series Dead Set), I will watch your show. And Almodovar also needs to stop putting the US at the very tail end of his global release schedule. By the time his stuff airs here, I’ve seen it months earlier.
• Time zone shifting. If I can download an east coast rip of something that will show up on my DVR in a few hours (and I skip the commercials either way), I may still download it. This only covers shows I get on my cable, otherwise I have to buy it or stream it legally.
• You suck, and I want to know why. If you’re a Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, or somesuch, I will probably download your audiobook for free. It is for ammunition so I can converse with your followers. But I’m can’t ethically support you financially.
• If I bought the book, I may download the audiobook. I subscribe to AudibleListener, and legally purchase audiobooks on a regular basis, typically stuff I don’t need to own in hardcover. But if I buy the hardcover book, and want to bring that content with me in the real world, I’m not sure why I’m paying again, and oftentimes more. If Amazon offered a $5 surcharge for an audio download with every hardcover purchase, I’d get it. I’m not sure if this violates my first resolution (consume less things) or reinforces it (on a deeper level).
• You don’t offer your stuff in a digital format. I don’t want CDs in my house, or a lot of DVDs. So, if I can’t download it from you, I may download it from them. This goes for TV shows. If I can buy a season of, say, Dexter on iTunes, and see each episode within a few hours of it airing, then great. If I can’t, oh well, I’m not getting 90+ channels I don’t want and Showtime to do it. Also, iTunes renting is even better. I don’t need to own this stuff.
• Hassle-free reviewing. If you’re an openly gay band on a major label, and I’m not in the mood to try and find your publicist to get me a review copy of your CD, I may just download it and review it anyway. Ironically, I’ve sometimes heard from publicists after doing this, because I show up in their Google Alert, and gotten subsequent review tickets for concerts, etc.

I need to become less of a hermit. It seems like a lot of stuff I do requires nothing but me and a laptop (writing, developing websites, managing websites, Facebook, etc.) I need to figure out how to get out in the world more, either doing these things, or new things, however it happens. I also need to make sure I’m doing a lot of my activities with other people, as I do a lot of last-minute events solo.

I want to continue a healthy life-work balance. I know it’s usually work-life, but that seems backwards. Enough said.

I need to get over body issues. This is a somewhat obvious, yet somewhat misleading entry. It’s gone on far too long, and has had no positive benefit. However…

I need to finish up my healthy lifestyle. Getting over body issues doesn’t mean I am becoming a fat accepting person. My under the hood numbers are all good, but the car is admittedly still too big. I feel I’m always on some short-term thing, and not laying the groundwork for a lasting healthy lifestyle. So, this is just finishing up work that is already started, already working, and already known. I’m not putting weight loss as a goal, because it isn’t the goal, it is an end result. When I have the right life-work balance, and put care and forethought into how I live, my weight reduces anyway.

I need to get back on the market. I didn’t really date anyone in 2009, which is because of the body issues. Again, a while back, when I had the balance, and I had been losing weight naturally, all of this stuff lined up as well. It doesn’t require effort, just planning.

I think my little Facebook utterances have quelled what used to queue up to merit a blog update, which is unfortunate as I’d rather keep my thoughts contained here than there. I’ll work on that.

Lots going on since the last update. Most importantly, I finished reading my book and still liked it. I followed the dubious upbeat tropical paradise read with a gritty urban post-dental work read in the city and, somehow, still enjoyed the book. So that’s good.

After that I printed up a dozen copies of the book on lulu.com, and currently have 10 people reading it. No word back yet, so we’ll see how it goes.

On one hand, I don’t think of this as a test screening, because the goal is really to see if the book conveys my intentions moreso than to entertain other notions. So, that will be the important bit, did people take away from the book what I’d hoped. I do think the book is readable, much faster-paced than earlier drafts, and all makes sense to me. But is enough information available to keep everyone on that journey. We’ll see.

It’s an interesting challenge, since I’m already working on a series of essays, as well as researching my second novel, which I’ll begin writing in early 2010. So, while I keep moving forward, it’s interesting waiting to hear back on the first effort. Not that the feedback on the first book would affect the essays or the second novel, really.

Plus, I suppose that will become a standard thing, that there will always be a current work, a next work, and a past work marching toward publication, if this is done properly.

The essay collection is one of those obvious, inevitable things, and my reticence in writing it is evidence, to me, that it is the right path. There’s no need to look for autobiographical insight in the first novel, it’s rarely there. But the essays? Yikes.

I started a new contract gig in September. A somewhat incestuous flip-flop from one company to another. At my old job, I managed the relationship with this company. At my new job, I help work with my old company as one of our main clients. It really didn’t change much for me, being on either side. Slightly less pay, but slightly less commute, too.

I still suck at full time work, at least from the perspective of getting everything else done. I think people with full time jobs are so used to getting little else done that it seems commonplace, but that three years off ruined me in that regard. I lost weight when unemployed. I was healthier unemployed. I was happier unemployed. But I was careening into massive debt.

If this job continues into 2010 (my current contract goes through 12/31), the emphasis will be on launching oasisjournals.com and vegocentric.com as social networks. And, of course, I fear launching them as a potential impediment to finishing off the essays and starting the next novel.

Facebook has been interesting, in that I communicate with a lot more people on a traditional path. So when I mention things I’m doing, comments will often be from former high school classmates or old co-workers, who mention I should try doing my schedule with kids. But it’s sort of a moot point. You couldn’t really do much of my life with kids.

That’s not to say kids are off the radar. Right now, I want to launch the sites, get in shape, really start focusing on writing more and more, so that in a few years time, I’ll be in a better place to have kids. I want kids by the time I’m 45, and I’m 41 now, so… tick tock.

Not much else to report, I’m currently planning my holiday trip home. Lining up what Broadway shows to see. My current preferences are Next to Normal, Rock of Ages, Billy Elliot, and Hair. Not sure what else I can fit in or see beyond that. Also, not looking as good this year for press seats. N2N has no gay content, Billy isn’t offering press seats, Rock of Ages is dark on Wednesdays (my normal double feature day, as you usually can’t get weekend press seats). So, will be curious to see what I can come up with… Don’t be surprised if it’s the above four shows, though, heh.

I’ve always hated multitasking. It’s not my style. Of course, every study that comes out says it’s not really anyone’s style and that it just extends the amount of time things take to complete, lessens the quality, etc., etc. I never saw a study with any positive result, really.

I remember being in a job interview when they asked if I was a good multitasker. Now, I should point out that I already decided at this point in the interview that this place wasn’t right for me, and I didn’t get the vibe that I was right for them, so may as well have fun in the interview, since they never just stop in the middle and cancel them, you finish the interview once it starts… so I told them that if they wanted me to, I could work inefficiently, pretend to juggle a lot of tasks at once, and give nothing the proper attention it deserves, if that’s how they wanted the work to be completed there. I even put that positive spin on it, that I was completely willing to work with whatever inefficiencies they wanted. I didn’t get the job (although I wasn’t going to anyway).

But lately, I’ve been trying to unitask as many things as possible, and it’s sort of difficult. Watching an episode of a TV show without playing Tetris or checking e-mail is the hardest. Some things, of course, are augmented by additional elements. Playing music at the gym, or listening to a podcast while cleaning the apartment or washing dishes, doesn’t really seem like a violation. I am switching to audio-only at the gym, though, as I think I work harder when I’m not watching a TV show on my iPod. I’d rather have a better workout and more media backlogged.

Another related experiment was at some recent concerts, where I tried to focus on the performers and not the jumbo screens showing them up close. So, the whole time I was at Outside Lands watching Pearl Jam, Black Eyed Peas, and others on the main stage, I tried to keep my focus on the stage. Same this week with Pink. It’s kind of interesting watching the crowd and seeing how many people crowd into an arena to essentially watch television. (Side note: It was a bit annoying at Outside Lands, when I noticed that the stage lights were rather dim, and that they seemed to be lighting everything for the video and not the actual concert… *sigh*)

I also think it’s funny how many people document experiences they aren’t having. I don’t know if I’ve written about it here before, but one of my favorite photos was of Madonna in concert, thrusting her hand out into the crowd, and no hand — not even one, as I remember it — from the audience reaching out to her, because everyone was holding up their cell phone to take a picture showing how close they were to Madonna. So, everyone has a photo capturing a moment they didn’t have. No one got to lock eyes with Madonna, share a brief moment, and maybe even shake her hand. Plus, Madonna looks out into a crowd of cyborgs, one eye squinting with the other behind a mobile phone, which ironically means the level of emotional detachment I thought she has as a live performer is finally being returned to her by the crowd. So, there is that ironic part of it. But still, why show your friends on Facebook how close you were to a missed opportunity?

I do think I’m running the risk of peeling off from some parts of society, as a result. I don’t really Twitter, because it’s really for mobile phone users (no matter what people say), and I barely have a mobile phone, and certainly not one with the Internet on it. Most of the time I’m out, it’s not. It sits charging on my microwave almost all the time. When there is necessary synchronization with friends, I take it, but it’s rare. I have a mobile phone so people can tell me they are running late for our dinner plans, more often than not. But, if I’m at the restaurant on time, and they’re not, this doesn’t seem to be a major use of technology. By the time I get their text message, I already know they’re running late, since they aren’t where I am at the time we were supposed to meet.

Even with reading my novel, I’ve been very careful to carve out time to read it properly. I’ve been seeing some theater this week, so I put it off, as I didn’t want to be in mid-novel and have Noel Coward or Rodgers and Hammerstein jump in and tell a whole story in the midst of my read. Same with television, when I read this draft, I won’t take in anything else with a narrative, not even a 30-minute sitcom.

So, I’m curious if this is a path toward enhancing the quality of the experiences that I’ll have with different media and events. Will some media not be interesting without other distractions going on? If so, it seems like I’m not missing anything if I knock them out of the queue entirely.

I don’t think this is a temporary thing, just the early stages of something new. We’ll see how it goes. I don’t think this makes me a Luddite. I have digested the new technology. I understand it. I see how it can fit into my life. And, after that investigation, I’ve chosen that my life is better without it.

Whew, has it been this long since an update…

So, obviously, I’m back from Thailand. 36 hours after I landed, my mother arrived to start her vacation in California. We did a lot, so I’ll just bang through the highlights.

We took her first day off, to give her a day to adjust to the time zone, not to mention I was still a bit zoned out myself at this point. The next day, we had dinner at The Slanted Door, and then saw Wicked. I’m still not won over by it, and it’s not my favorite show, but I knew my mother would enjoy it, and she did. I attended a preview prior to her arrival to make that determination, as well as had her watch a YouTube clip, so a good time. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the show, I’m just never blown away by the show.

The next day, we went to see The Hurt Locker in the movie theater, then to Loving Hut, a nice vegan cafe in Chinatown, and then to see Richard Lewis perform stand-up comedy in North Beach. He is, as always, a fascinating, funny train wreck of a show.

The next day, Saturday, I realized my tooth that had been throbbing was not getting better, but in fact was getting worse, so in advance of our flying to Vegas, I yelped a dentist in Vegas and e-mailed about getting an appointment for either that day or Monday. When we landed in Vegas, I had text messages and voice mail from both the dentist and his staff, confirming a Monday afternoon appointment.

So, we drove to Zion National Park in Utah, which is 3 hours outside Vegas. We picked a late morning flight to not kill ourselves getting to the airport, etc., but I think it backfired a bit in the sense that we got to Zion, after a one hour time difference and a three hour drive, with little time to do anything that first day. Just a quick drive around, dinner, and then bed.

We made up for our lack of activity on the next day, my birthday, by hiking The Narrows, which is an intense hike up through a river, during which the canyon keeps narrowing. By the time we got to the narrowest point of the hike, it is about 12-15 feet across between canyon walls, which shoot up for quite a long time. It was a wet, intense hike, requiring special socks, boots, and a hiking stick, but definitely worth doing.

The following day, we checked out and drove back to Vegas. While my mother checked us in to our hotel, I took a cab to my dentist appointment, and ended up having a root canal. My first, hard as that is to believe. The dentist actually came in on his day off to do it unassisted, so at times, I actually had to hold things in my own mouth to get us through it. It also took much longer than if he had an assistant. He wanted me to come back the following day, when it would happen much quicker, but I really wanted to not eat up more vacation time, so we went for the long version.

I got home with barely enough time to have dinner (yes, after a root canal, I had half a good mouth yet) at Noodles in the Bellagio, and then a cab ride in order to make it to the Penn & Teller show at the Rio, all of which I enjoyed with the delight that is vicodin. So, yes, before I even got to gamble, I was down a grand and high on drugs. I think I was living the spirit of Vegas, but clearly went about it the wrong way.

The following day, we went to some other attractions in Vegas, including minus 5 at Mandalay Bay, which is an ice bar. Meaning: the walls were ice, sculptures are ice, bar is ice, the glasses for your drinks are sculpted ice, seats were ice, and you have to rent a coat, gloves, and boots to enter. So, that was a unique thing.

Then I took my mother to see the Bodies exhibit, the one with all the sliced up dead bodies. I enjoyed the exhibit a lot when it was in San Jose, although I think the Vegas version was a little less “out there” and artistic as the touring version. This one focused more on the educational and walked you through all the systems of the body, but I think the touring version was better. Still worthwhile, since it is so fascinating in a way that reading about it or seeing pictures isn’t.

Then we made a dinner reservation at Spago for that night after we saw the Bette Midler show. Bette was, of course, amazing, and did a fabulous show. It wasn’t enough Bette, but that was expected, since Vegas really likes the shows to be about 90 minutes. They charge a lot for tickets, but once we’re in there, we’re not gambling and that isn’t really something they like. But still, Bette did the high wire act of being an amazing singer, a saucy dame, and a consummate performer. I’d seen her before, but this is definitely a big showgirl extravaganza that she couldn’t tour, so it was a unique show.

The gambling wasn’t much to speak of, seeing as I mainly lost. But I didn’t put too much in, so it wasn’t too bad.

We got back to San Francisco the following day. And if I recall properly, didn’t go anywhere that day. See, I can relax.

The next day, we went for dinner at Millennium and then to see August: Osage County onstage. I wasn’t sure about a three and a half hour drama being able to sustain our interest, but that was a useless concern. Everyone adored that show, and it is went for another hour, I think the audience would have sat there and devoured it. What a beautiful time in a theater.

On Friday, I think we just caught a movie (if anything), hung out, no major plans. On Saturday, I told my mother we were going to a café for dinner, and it was a nice place, etc. For some reason, she asked if it was just going to be the two of us, so I lied and said yes.

Of course, it was actually my birthday party at Asia SF, and we ended up having 10 friends join us for an enjoyable night of great gender illusionist performers and good food. There is a photo of me retrieving a shot glass, without using my hands, buried deep within the cleavage of our waitress. You can’t even see the shot glass in the photo. Anyway, that was a good night, and we followed-up with a quick Castro outing.

The next day was more movies and roaming around the city. On Monday, we drove down the peninsula to have lunch with family at Loving Hut in Palo Alto, and then back up to San Francisco for dinner at Tangerine and a benefit show featuring Steve Schachlin playing the piano and telling stories. It was really a great way to end the trip, since Steve is such a good performer.

The following morning, I drove her to the airport and ended both her trip and two months of my own traveling.

Since then, I’ve just been getting back into the swing of things here, which is slower than it should be. I start a short-term contract this week, so some money is coming in.

This past weekend, I attended the Outside Lands concert in Golden Gate Park and saw Pearl Jam, Jason Mraz, Raphael Saadiq, Cage the Elephant, Matt and Kim, The Dead Weather (with Jack White on drums), Tom Jones, Incubus, Zap Mama, Silversun Pickups, Blind Pilot, The National, Conor Oberst, TV on the Radio, Black Eyed Peas, Dave Matthews Band, and Modest Mouse. So, that was busy, too.

Up next, doing the SF read of the draft of the novel I wrote in Thailand,starting the new gig, getting a gym routine going, and starting to write the next thing. And in eight weeks, I’m in Orlando doing the Disney thing.

I’m writing this an hour before my taxi will take me to the airport, just to catch up on all of Bangkok.

The day after the boy shows, I woke up early and went to the weekend market, which is just this massive, massive maze of roads and stalls. They even have maps so you can find your way around. It was nice to see, but I really wasn’t looking for anything, so I didn’t really get into it much for that reason. I took the subway to the market, though, so got a decent handle on that now.

After the market, I took a subway to the stop nearest to the Lingham Shrine (as Lonely Planet calls it. The sign there says Goddes Tuptim Shrine), and took a taxi to the nearby hotel. The shrine is beyond not clearly marked. It is hidden. I ask the bellman at the nearby hotel, and he points me down past their loading dock, and says it is there. So, I go, and it really is climbing past and over the staging area for a hotel. When I climbed through the last sort of gate, I didn’t see anything. Then, off in the distance, it was hard to miss…

There was the usual altar familiar to most Buddhist temples and shrines and then, directy to its left, a huge nine foot phallus. The sidewalk leading up to the temple is adorned with phallic adornments of every type and material. The history is this shrine received the normal gifts, but at some point, one of the gifts left was phallic in shape. So, instead of the phallic item being removed from the religious area, instead it is believed the shrine is about fertility and thousands of phalluses have since been left at the shrine. Women come to pray at the shrine when they want to become pregnant. I realize this trip seems to be only focusing on one syllable in Bangkok, but it was too strange to pass up.

Went back to Si Lom after that, which is where the boy bars are, and took some pictures in the daytime, since the night pics weren’t that nice. Not as much hassle during the day, either.

My feet were killing me, so my plans to go out dancing seemed unwise. Bangkok is probably a similar temperature to the islands, but without the breeze and nature to temper it, so it is just hot concrete and metal, so it did a good job scorching through my flip-flops. I ran into Alex on the street earlier, and he wasn’t up for dancing, so I just called Wut and told him I didn’t think I was up for hitting the dance floor. Then, I took a nap.

Felt better when I woke up, so I went to Si Lom again, went back to the aquarium show, as they cut it short the previous night, or so I thought. Ends up, the show is just really short compared to X-Boys. The boy from the night before, Ice as it turns out, was not working that night. I spent a lot of time chatting with the captain there, about the business, how it works, the boys, and all. He says I can talk to the boys, if I want, as I was clear I wouldn’t be renting any that night. So, a boy that has been eager to get my attention comes to sit with me, I buy him an overpriced drink, and we talk for a while. He grew up north of Bangkok, and is studying there. He’s not sure he likes working there. His family doesn’t know about his job. But he does send them money every month, especially since his father has heart trouble. He was nice, although exasperated that I wouldn’t take him back to my hotel. I told the captain to tell him that in Thai in advance, but the captain probably thought I’d cave, too.

After that, I caught the drag show at DJ Station, which was well done. I walked down the street to see Balcony and Telephone, some of the oldest gay bars in the city, I think. They were dead, and this was around midnight, so not too early. Went home.

This morning, I woke up, packed, and went to the snake farm. Saw a lot of videos about snakes, and snaked in cages. Turns out, you shouldn’t suck venom out of someone if they’re bit, so all those gay litmus tests you always hear are faulty. Wrapped up the tour with seeing them milk venom from three cobras, and that’s it. Just had lunch and leaving for the hotel to catch my taxi now. Next post will be from America…

Bangkok is definitely an intense place, it’s sort of like Sami on steroids. It makes the overdevelopment there look quaint. I check in at the Malaysia Hotel, which was recommended by a friend here, and go for a walk around the neighborhood, as I was hungry. I see a lot of sidewalk vendors, but I was looking for someplace I could read my Lonely Planet guide, see what I wanted to do here. Aside from having dinner with Alex, his boyfriend, and another invited friend, who is going to be my tour guide through the boy shows in Bangkok that night, my itinerary is free.

Alex had mentioned that I was one subway stop away from the Silom Station, so when my walking finds the subway, I go down and get on. It’s a quick trip, and doesn’t seem like it would be much of a walk but, for the price, an air-conditioned subway is better.

I find the shopping mall and head downstairs, hoping it is an international similarity to have the food court downstairs. It is. I go to MK restaurant, after seeing a big veggie platter on their menu. MK is a chain, and for all I know you can do this in San Francisco somewhere, although I never have, but the middle of the table is a hot plate, and they put a pot there, and fill it with boiling water. Then, they bring your veggie platter, drink, side of green noodles I ordered, and╔ you’re on your own.

I investigate the veggie plate, and see celery, shitake mushrooms, other mushrooms, some green leaves that seem to be herbs of some sort, tofu, carrots, beans, so I put it all in the boiling water, to give everything a fair chance to infuse the water. There is also a small dish with some spicy sauce on the table. After a while, my stew starts boiling, and there’s a slotted spoon to bring things out and into your bowl, and a ladle for adding broth. I have to say, it was a rather nice light lunch.

As I have more time to kill before meeting Alex and company later in the day, I notice there is a place offering a fish massage. I am too curious to walk by without trying it. A fish massage is basically a tank with hundreds of fish in it, and you pay $5 for 15 minutes. You put your feet into the tank, and the fish all start eating the dead skin off of your feet. For the first minute or two, it seems insane, and admittedly strange to pay to have fish basically eat you. This seems like taking veganism too far.

But they eat and eat and eat for 15 minutes (you can get 30 minutes for only $7-8), often with what looks like a minimum of 50 small fish on each foot, and when my feet come out, I have to say, a lot of the dead stuff I’d noticed on my feet lately, from all the flip-flopping, sunburning, bicycling punishment I’d put them through on Phangan, a good portion of it was definitely gone.

Of course, as this is attached to a spa, I figure I may as well get a Thai massage while here, and sign up for a 90-minute session with a guy. As this was not directly in the gay area, I figure my odds were better of getting a real massage. I have to say, this guy really gave a nice, thorough, authentic massage, heh.

I get back in time to meet everyone, and we head to a restaurant for dinner. Alex’s boyfriend saw the restaurant recently, and noted there was a line and that it looked like a nice place. We get there, and quickly realize that the sushi place a few doors down is the place with the line, and the nice place he saw above the veggie restaurant was the large second floor of the sushi place that continues over the veggie place, as well. Our place is a lot of basic tables, chairs, and not much ambiance. But they did a lot of Thai dishes with fake meat, and it was a fine meal that I really enjoyed.

Alex and his boyfriend were not going to the boy shows with us, so after dinner, we were dropped off across from the boy bars in Soi Duangthawee. To say the people outside the bars trying to get you into the shows are aggressive is putting it mildly. In fact, Wut and I ended up in our first bar nearly against our will. They said the show was just starting, and it doesn’t take long to realize this is untrue. Instead the stage is brightly lit and all the boys are there in tiny swimsuits and it looks like the drinking water backstage is spiked with Viagra.

All they do is stand, smile, get your attention, whatever, and every five or ten seconds, they rotate like a volleyball team, so that you can clearly see the numbers on the bikini of new boys. Different boys cycle on and off all the time, but it’s the sort of thing where, unless you were there to hire a money boy (which is seemingly the local term for it), then staring at young, cute guys standing gets boring fast. Especially over $10 drinks.

The show is too far off to put up with this, even though we only have to buy one drink for the show, so we’re covered at this point, but the mamasan is very clingy and asking us what we want far too often, so we leave and head away from the soi before we get yanked into another show prematurely.

I buy Wut a second drink at 7-Eleven at a much better price.

We decide to walk the long way around the block, to enter the street from the other end, to get show times for the show we actually want to see. I read about Classic Boys in a gay guide, it being different for featuring a large fish tank where boys will do naked, synchronized swimming to the music. They have two shows a night, so we head down the street.

This time, Wut and I hold hands, and get hassled a bit less as a couple, but still a lot. Our roles become defined. My job is to indicate that Wut is the boss, so don’t hassle me. His job is to just say no to everyone. I do have to forcibly pull him out of a circle of four guys trying to yank us into a bar we don’t want to go into. I remembered reading that X-Boys had a good candle show, although it was mentioned in a matter-of-fact way, as though no one would possibly ask, ‘What the hell is a candle show?’ Wut goes toward X-boys, as we’re trying to get all the show times sorted out, and they insist the show is about to start, and Wut says he thinks they’re telling the truth, as he recognizes the music as being what they play right before the show. So, we head in and get front row seats at the front corner of the stage.

When we get there, the stage is filled with more young, cute boys in underwear, all with numbers, doing their rotating routine, like the most decadent merchandise display option ever. I head for the rest room before the show starts, although as I quickly come back, it had just begun.

I should point out that this isn’t a subtle show. It is also not burlesque. There is rarely a coy buildup, a glove removed, etc. As near as I can tell, this guy came out naked with a hula-hoop. At various points, he has two hula-hoops, and also uses rings from the rigging above to hoist him in the air, or the ladders to the side, but no matter what the hula-hoop doesn’t stop, nor does any of this prevent him from grabbing himself repeatedly.

I’ll only give a quick montage here for the sake of my own propriety. The candle show ended up being five oiled up guys with about 8-9 candles in each hand, with a nicely choreographed routine, with the flame providing a lot of the light. The routine as mainly about them dripping wax on their bodies, a lot of wax. One’s specialty was getting a thick coating of wax on his tongue. And the main guy’s chest and abs were coated very thick with multiple layers of wax by the time the show ended. There was a putting green at one point, where the point was to get a hole in one with a golf ball. There was no club, although most guys’ golfing stance was a one-handed push-up, you can figure out the rest. Despite the decadence of it all, there was thought put into the show, the lighting, the choreography, but it is certainly a strange night out. And if you think drag queens have persuasive ways of working the room to get tips out of the customers, you have no idea how quickly that can become mundane.

At this place, they were pretty good about not hassling us about drinks or money boys, so we just watched the show, which lasted a bit over an hour. Then, we returned to Classic Boys to see the fish tank, but were there a few minutes early, so it was rotating boy time again.

I should point out how this might sound sad and depressing, and there is certainly an element of that on display here, but the boys all look happy. One of the boys at Classic Boys was pretty young, but kept trying to get my attention. I pointed to Wut, and made it clear that we were together, and he won’t let me bring money boys home with us. A few boys indicated they were OK going home with both of us. Anyway, back to the boy, he was probably 18, barely, although you never really know here, but he seemed sort of awkward and new at this, which could be his routine, of course.

I found that he would give a natural smile, nothing forced or put on, clearly his natural smile, unlike some of the others. He had braces, which made him seem even younger, although you can have braces at any age. But he would smile and stare you down, raise his eyebrow suggestively but then if you held eye contact after that, he didn’t have a routine anymore. That was his few seconds that he’d worked out, and at that point, most people look to another guy. So, if you kept looking, he just would start getting almost a nervous laugh, making him smile more, showing his braces. And, like many people with braces, most of his smiling and such was without showing his teeth, so I think we were seeing a lot more braces than normal.

It’s all fascinating to me, and you’d almost want to talk to them all at length about things, but I’m sure it’s the same story I’ve been hearing from the non-money boys on Phangan and Samui. Literally, everyone’s story was the same. Their family are farmers and poor, so they are in a tourist area, making very little money, but also sending money home every month to help their family survive.

So, like a lot of things here, there is a subtext that makes it hard to take in what is being offered at face value. But it is important to note, everyone I met has not felt burdened by these things, or bitter, or anything else. It just is. Their family is poor, they are helping them. It’s just what you do. And the boys here aren’t reluctant. Trust me, that’s the last word I’d use. Eager is far more accurate. So, balancing all of this stuff is a lot to manage. I mean, if you needed to, it’s a short mental leap to think of yourself as helping the boy and his family out. I’m sure some people see themselves in that light. Of course, I took the less exciting way down that path, skipping the sex, and just tipping the boys with whom I’d had some non-verbal connection to on the way out.

I do think it was good to have Wut with me, though. I think a single, white farang going to these shows alone would be a much bigger target. The show starts, and it’s also important to note that work has been put into these shows. They aren’t just like bad porn scripts. There is definite, detailed, rehearsed choreography, and the same boys who were all about making eye contact and such before are now doing their dance, and very into their routines.

The second club is smaller and less attended than the first, even the few people who were there trickled out. At one point, I looked around, and was surprised the show was still happening. Shortly after that, there seemed to be some shortening of the show, as the “snorkels” used in the fish tank (the reference to, and quotes around, snorkels appear that way in the gay guide) never make an appearance, so I’m not entirely sure what it means. So, the one thing you’d never expect to happen at these shows did. It ended prematurely.

My last night on Phangan was also the Half Moon Party, so Kang and I went. There was some concern that he wouldn’t be allowed in, since some parties on the island can’t be attended by Thai people, but we checked with some other Thais who all said Half Moon is fine with it.

It was interesting to see Kang be all excited about Half Moon, because I kind of thought of it as a night out, something fun to do. No big deal. But eventually I remembered what he makes in one day working with his friend with the taxi, and realized that we just took a boat trip around the island, ate in nice restaurants, and now we were gearing up for a party with a cover charge. Well, he was gearing up, I was just going…

At one store, he held up a shirt he said he could wear it to Half Moon, and I couldn’t understand why this would be necessary. I certainly wasn’t outfit hunting╔ ‘Hmm, picture this with me sweating through it… is it a keeper?’ But then I remembered my friend who worked on Samui who said he only has two shirts, and figured Kang didn’t want to go in his normal clothes, but something to mark the occasion, too, since, well, let’s face it, when I go home, he’s back on taxi duty.

I should point out that I am not naive enough to not question whether Kang sees an opportunity to get me to buy him a shirt, as many Thais supposedly see farang as walking ATM machines. But I’m not finding this vibe present. I could be wrong, but I’ll stick with being optimistic about his intent, but it’s just a $10 shirt for a $10 party.

When we get to the party, he is more excited than I’d seen him. He works Full Moon every month, and it seems like the same kind of thing to me, on a smaller, intimate scale. Food stands, bars, day-glo paints, but he is taking it all in and leading me by the hand through it all. We’re there early, too early, so we watch the fire people twirl and juggle their flames until the party kicks in.

From that point on, he was ecstatic. He would tell me things in a tone that sounded like he was amazed these things could happen, but I keep hearing “This girl is from Southern Thailand!” or “She is Thai, but lived in Norway!” I chat people up, too, but he is processing everything at some higher level.

He ends up occupying a corner of the elevated platform that connects to the palm tree that juts up into the night sky, the center of the party, which was appropriate. It looked like nothing happening in his field of vision wasn’t being taken in, processed, and remembered. He was dancing with me, sometimes with me on the platform, sometimes on the ground one level below him, although the platform is only about knee-high.

He was feeling the music, sharing his bucket, taking pictures with tourist girls he knew, and wasn’t very excited about leaving the party, but was beaming the whole time.

So, it was kind of a nice note to end on, that I was giving him sort of a gift of a world without lack of money, where you ask for a drink, bucket, flower necklace, and you get it. But then, the flip side is you realize the gift on some level is letting him take a vacation from his reality, so while I’m celebrating my last night on the island, his vacation is ending at the same time as mine.

The next day was pretty scheduled, as far as what needed to be done by what time to get me on the boat to Samui for 11 a.m. One thing I wanted to do before heading to the pier was to stop at the ATM and get some tip money. I hadn’t decided on amounts, but thought a few people at the resort next door that waited on me and cooked for me, and my resort’s caretaker should get a little something. I hate tipping, since it’s always vague, but I was taking out enough to cover the range I was considering, as well as my Samui-Bangkok plans.

Kang takes me to the ATM, after I finish packing, and it refuses to give me money, saying there are insufficient funds. I do a balance inquiry, and see there is more in the account than I’m trying to take out. I try a smaller amount, same thing. I figure this ATM is messed up, so he drives me on his motorbike to another in Thong Sala. Same deal, contact your bank. The problem is that this is happening at 9:40, before I’ve had breakfast, checked out, everything. It was all perfectly timed, as the ATM on the main road is close enough for a quick visit, but now we’re banging around town.

So, basically, ‘tipping is not expected, but appreciated’ as it says on my information card at the resort had better be true, because I didn’t have the cash to spare, especially since I didn’t know what was going on, so I wasn’t comfortable giving my spare cash away assuming it would all be sorted out in Samui. For all I knew, I wouldn’t be given more money in Samui, and might not get more money until Bangkok.

It turns out, I just asked for more than my daily limit (although insufficient funds is a strange message for that, I think in the U.S. it says that amount exceeds your daily limit, no?), but since I did it in Thailand, that raised a flag for identity theft (despite making small withdrawals there for the past 6 weeks). Then, I tried a smaller amount. Then I went to a different ATM. From Wells Fargo’s perspective, this did look like questionable behavior. So, I guess I’m sort of happy they protect my account like this, but it’s very bad timing. It’s fixed quickly on Samui with a phone call.

So, I go to Samui, and my ambitious day begins with a nap to recover from Half Moon. Honestly, it was just a low-key day. I only went to Coyote again (the Mexican themed chain, where the Asian girls wear Daisy Dukes and big cowboy hats. I wanted veggie fajitas more than the vibe.

Then I got a massage from a ladyboy at the place where Tong works, and he watched both shows there with me (which makes sense that they’d let him do that, instead of clean up, since I’m buying him drinks upstairs). The show was very good, especially considering my last cabaret show in Bangkok, where they didn’t seem to know a lot of the words to the songs and had a strange idea to have three performers at a time, so there would be three Tina Turners, three Michael Jacksons, and such, which sort of ruins the illusion that you’re seeing that person perform live.

So, a very professional show, with good choreography, and all of the shows on the island are free. It’s all about getting butts in seats and serving them drinks. The prices are higher than normal, but not crazy, and the show is enjoyable.

After that, we went to see the show at Boy Zone, which had a different vibe. Initially, it was nice. They had a traditional Thai costume segment, and some other cute, choreographed stuff, the main difference being this was all boys, whereas the show at Stars Cafe was more drag and lady boy lip-synching with just three male dancers fleshing out the show. So, the first part of the show ends at Boy Zone, and the second half features the other waiters onstage, shirtless, wearing little ties around their necks, and dancing. Not choreographed, not enthusiastic, just dancing.

I thought it was a time killer for a costume change or something, but it seems like that is the second half of the show. Oh well… I didn’t get to see the show at the third bar, Male Box, as they were renovating the bar that night, but reopening the following night.

As Tong had a birthday since I last saw him, I told him I’d buy him a new shirt when he was looking at nice shirts in the store connected to where he works (and owned by the same people, so he gets a discount). But then he said, he really needs shoes instead, since they recently changed things at work and he now wears an all black ensemble that’s provided, just not the shoes. And he works there from 8 a.m. to 11 p.m. every day. He showed me his shoes, and there was almost no sole left, and big parts of the sole worn all the way through to where you could pretty much see through. So, my last purchase on Samui was made after I left for Bangkok, as Tong bought new shoes for his birthday.

Well, it had to happen… and tonight is my last night on Koh Phangan, which starts a bit of a mini-vacation for me. One night on Samui, two nights in Bangkok, then I fly back to America.

It was sort of strange when I was done writing the book. I spent another day spell-checking it, reading the last stuff I had written once again, then prepping the files for lulu.com, so I could give it one last read before finally letting friends read it. So, lulu has my draft, and I should have a hardcover version of the book shipped to me shortly after my return.

The inght I finished the book, I rode my rented bicycle as far as I ever have up the west coast of Phangan, to Ananda, a restaurant linked to a yoga retreat. I had this amazing tofu dish, with brown rice, and the part that sticks out is how I’d never had a dish with such a pronounced celery flavor cutting through it. I have to admit, my food bias was ringing through that night, as I had something closer to what I would eat in California, and it did feel like the best meal I’ve had here.

Tangent: I wasn’t as impressed with the food on this trip. And I wish I’d found Ananda sooner, since it was bike-able, unlike the Sanctuary (more on that below), which requires a taxi to Haad Rin and a boat taxi to complete the journey. I had good meals, but it was almost like you could go to any resort and order food, and it would taste the same, since they would use the same green curry paste. However, with a food processor, you could so easily dump the ingredients for green curry paste and have it at the ready in five minutes, so it is strange to feel that I’m eating canned Thai food. Sort of like if I went to Italy and, behind an homestyle Italian restaurant, saw jars of Prego in the trash.

The other factor here is that differentiation would give you *so* much bang for your buck. If I’d found a place grinding their own pastes, and even moreso if they would grind me a vegan paste, I would have gone there more often and paid more for every meal, gladly. But similar to people selling the same items from store to store, the food follows suit. I did notice that Ananda says all of their curries do not include fish sauce, which means they’re grinding their own or found a veggie paste. Since they run veggie cooking classes (I found this out too late to take one, since they are only on Sundays), my guess is grinding. But I think if you grind pastes, people would eat a meal there, get blown away, and when they went to other places, with the jarred pastes, they’d not waste their time again straying away. I look forward to going to eat at the restaurant connected to SITCA on Samui tomorrow, where I took classes last time. I don’t need to take a class and grind my own stuff, though, they can do it for me. Even better if they have paste without fish sauce, but that’s setting the bar high. End tangent.

The next day after finishing the book, I had this strange feeling come over me, which was that I was in Thailand and all of this amazing stuff was available to do. Seriously, this is when it really hit me that I was in Thailand as a tourist, which is appropriate, since it was the first day I felt available to roam around and be one. Heh. Coupled with that feeling was another small voice saying ‘get me home already,’ which I ignored.

The day after that, I spent an afternoon at The Sanctuary, which is where I stayed last time I was on Phangan for a few days, and mainly for the Full Moon Party. As much as I like a place dedicated to veggie food, health, and yoga, for whatever reason, I got the same vibe as last time. It just has this sort of hipster vibe that I can’t digest easily.

Last time, I attributed that feeling to being on Samui in a more Thai environment for so long, a quiet bungalow on the beach, quiet, not as many tourists, and mostly Thai people around me. So, to go from that to a place where it is all white people, and a throbbing dance track permeating everything, and the long haired guys all pulled back into ponytails, with the scruffy faces, and everyone smoking cigarettes, it just never feels like the way I want to experience Thailand. But this time, I was just there for the afternoon, so swimming and veggie food was fine. But considering where I’m staying is about as non-traditional as can be here, with all clean white rooms, and very “California,” as the resort owner next door calls it, it does seem like I just don’t like the vibe of The Sanctuary, irregardless of where I stay beforehand.

On the way back from The Sanctuary, I took a taxi home. The guy who helps the taxi driver is someone I talked to before, his name is Kang, and he is a cute gay boy here. To be clear, by boy I mean he’s 31. So, he sees me and jumps out of the taxi and asks if I’m going home, and I am, so he jumps in back with me and two other tourists and we chat te whole way.

By the time we get to my stop, he tells her to keep driving, and we go all the way to Thong Sala, so that we can jump on his family’s motorcycle and he drives me back to the resort. And, he’s sort of been here ever since. Yesterday, we took a boat trip around the island together, although we got rained out of the best parts, although the tour guide made sure we had the right number of stops and all, so no one cried refund, but the swimming on a great beach and snorkeling up north were both changed to less desirabe places on the east coast. Of course, it was all just fun to be touring around, and not staying on the resort writing.

After our tour, we went for Indian food, which Kang never had before. So, I got him the sampler plate, since I don’t know the good meaty Indian dishes. He’s off now getting his young cousin (not sure of the family tree exactly, but like a 2-year-old girl) and she’ll come swimming with us in the pool for a bit, then we’ll have dinner at Phangan Beach, then we’ll go to the Half Moon Party together, which is sort of my last hurrah on Phangan.

Tomorrow, I wake up and go to Samui in the late morning. Tomorrow night, I see some of the shows at the gay clubs, which should be fun seeing as I met many of the performers hanging out the afternoon I was on Samui. Of course, if I have it figured out right, Britney Spears should be on Samui now… so, will I run into her, or maybe some of her dancers at the gay clubs? We’ll see…

There were times when I expected I wouldn’t be able to write this message, that I’d get to tout the progress I made, but fall short of the goal. But then, in the past few days, something happened… the work permeated. I didn’t want to read as much, swim as much, or do anything as much as I wanted to live in the world of my novel.

So, I’m happy to report that, tonight, I finished the fourth draft.

Since I love caveats, I will point out that there’s still another day of work to do on the book, since the usual pattern each day is to review the work done the previous day and then start into the next portion. So, tomorrow, I will read what I did today, tweak it a bit, but then, when I finish that, there is no next portion to start.

It’s a strange elation to be at this point. And, to be fair, it seems hard to believe.

The reason I’m in Thailand is to be out of my element, to not have routine, or a common language, so that I can break through useless rules that have built up when I’m in a more familiar setting. That has certainly been the case.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been living in three alternating worlds. One is Thailand itself, and just sorting out getting supplies, cooking, eating out, and swimming. The second is the world of my novel. And the third is the alternating world of the different novels I read while I was here (see previous post for capsule reviews of those).

As none of the three worlds is my usual setting, it is still surreal to finish the fourth draft. It’s sort of like when I would work on my novel at 4 a.m. back when I was unemployed the last time. I would wake up in the middle of the night, and work on the book, then after 2 hours or so, I’d go back to bed. When I woke up, my first thought was that I needed to work on the book, only to remember that, no, I already had.

That’s how I feel now, without any sort of grounding, it still feels like ‘Did I really finish it?!’ I mean, I rarely know what day of the week it is. I tell time by the sun most of the time (the sun hits the pool at 9 a.m., I can work on the porch until 2 p.m., then the sun hits me, the sun goes down around 6 or so). And, aside from that, I have no routine here. So, it could be any time day or night on any day of the week, and I just shrug and work. If I wasn’t working on my book, I’d be reading novels in 100-page-in-one-sitting chunks. Many times, I would work on the book, cross-legged on the bed, and when I went to get up, my legs were all tight like I’d been sitting here for hours, which as far as I know I was. Time is amazingly shapeless here, hours can be fast or slow, and you just sort of chill out and watch how it all changes.

And everything was so easy. Like, today, knowing there was a good chance I’d finish the draft, I would be in the middle of an exciting chapter and my mind would think it’d be nice to go swimming. So, mid-chapter, I’d just go swimming for a half hour, come back, and pick right up without even scrolling back a paragraph. I just hit pause, went away, came back, and went right back into what I was doing, as I was in mid-edit. So, I was definitely in ‘the zone’ as they say.

Of course, I am naturally skeptical of things being easy, so I will not print this draft up for others to read until I can give it another scan once I’m back in America and out of my schedule-free, tropical utopia.

The good news is that I still really like the book. I think all of the improvements of this draft make the book are much tighter, solid read. The fourth draft started with 98,741 words and is now down to 86,705, I’m not sure if that’s it’s final fighting weight, but it is much leaner and flows better now. And, unlike last time, it actually has the right ending on it now.

And, the upside is that I actually have a week in Thailand now to be something new: an actual tourist. It’s time to take the working out of working vacation.