“So, the rules is there ain’t no rules.”

Ah, yes, life lessons from “Grease.” It was always right there in front of me.

This week, I decided it was time for a radical departure. I knew I was on the wrong path, and needed a radical jolt to get things right again.

I made the basic mistake that Stephen King warned about in his book, that writing needs to be a support system for life, and not the other way around.

Other clues that were right there in front of me, in my own interview with Chuck. That getting out there and living a life gives you access to a greater insight than being locked in your room, writing like a monk.

“What good is sitting, alone in your room? Come here the music play!”

Liza clued me in years ago, yet I didn’t hear. Chuck told me in person, i didn’t hear. Stephen King put it in his book, I didn’t listen.

There has been an unsuccessful pattern in my life, which I hope to now eliminate.

It started with diets. When I try to lose weight, and start a new diet, I get results. But, I always try after a few weeks to tweak th diet to make the weight loss happen faster. And it always unravels the diet, either through making the food more bland or messing up the balanc and portions to slow the weight loss.

In any event, by trying to make things happen faster, eventually they grind to a halt or go slower.

I need to be more zen about it, see two pounds of weight loss in a week as a great thing, as opposed to wonder if I had been stricter would it have been three pounds? four pounds?

The writing started the same. Every amazing portion of my book was written when i was a productive member of society. But I wanted to finish faster, so I cut myself off from the world. There was a writing schedule, and a gym schedule, and a work schedule, and when you added up all three, it accounted for my day. There was no room for anything else to fit.

So, the diet aspect was covered (gym), the writing aspect was covered (book), the work part has to occur whether I like it or not… everything was accounted for.

Except life.

Life was on hold for everything else.

When the book is done, I will…

When I lose more weight, I will…

Everything in my life became prefaced with these two phrases. But the severe focus made the diet slow down and the writing happen, but it was less inspired.

So, this week, everything will occur. I will go to the gym. I will write. I will read fiction. I will go out dancing this weekend. And I will learn to balance everything.

I will learn to read fiction and write fiction. How to balance a diet, a gym routine, and everything else. I need to get out in the world, because i want my book and life to be informed by society, the people around me, and deepen the texture of my life. And not do this so that I can use it for my book, but because it will make me a better person. A happier person. A more complete person.

Tomorrow, after work, I will start Chuck Palahniuk’s Lullaby. I may go to the gym. I may write. I am do nothing.

But what I won’t do is have any regrets about it. i will just come home, put the day’s events under the heading of June 16, 2004, and accept that is what happened.

So, the upside is that I have decided to use this diary to chart some of my progress in this regard, since I think ultimately it will be good to chart how this affects the writing. What balance emerges.

I do not take it lightly when I tell people I am writing a novel, however. I still plan to regularly ensure that is part of my schedule. I want to know that I am moving forward on that front.

But, it may not be written from 5:45 to 7:22 a.m. tomorrow morning. It may not happen tomorrow at all.

AndI’m sure much of what I write will start sounding like Chuck Palahniuk’s Lullaby. But there is an editing cycle for a reason. I will de-Chuck it once it is down on the page.

As I plan to be a professional writer after this, there is never going to be a window whereby I am not writing. So, I may as well learn how to integrate the two sooner rather than later.

All of the things I said i was going to learn how to do after I finished this book? Those things have to start happening now. Because when I finish this book, I want to start thinking about the next one.

I am curious to see what happens. And, for the first time in a long time, I have no clue what the end result will be.

Jeff

OK, actually got some work done this morning, this the chapter is starting to take shape. I was getting absorbed in unnecessary details again. Not sure what that’s about, whether it is a form of stalling when I don’t know where I’m going or what, but damn there are a lot of crazy details that I removed today.

Recently, I shifted tone on the book, and I think that helps shape it a bit more. The tone up until now has been very present tense, things are happening to the character as you are seeing them happen as a reader. But, I got rid of that.

Now, it is still told in the present, but as far as I’m concerned, it is being told from a vantage point in the future. It is the lead character detailing everything that happened to him. So, it will be mainly experienced in the present, but that gives it more omniscience and ability to (you would think) skip the boring details, since you know in hindsight what was important and what wasn’t.

The more I thought about it, it seems to be a common vantage point for minimalist writing. In Spanbauer’s City of Shy Hunters, the book starts with a gathering of characters the narrator says never met back when he knew them all, and the narrative continually mentions things like the square of grass outside his apartment where he would plant a tree someday.

Even Fight Club starts at the end, and then backs into the story to show how things got there.

So, starting with Chapter 7 (I’m writing 9 now), I shifted tones to this new voice, and I find it more comfortable, because it can be more assured.

Anyway, that is today’s writing. I unfortunately forgot to call my spinning reservation in this morning, so the class is already filled up. So, boring cardio and such tonight. Oh well…

I’m only going to spinning one or two more times to test it out. I’m not sure it works for me, sore taints aside, because it requires focus, and typically I sort out what I’m going to write on the book during cardio, since my mind has nothing to do but wander.

So, if I am less prepared to write because I’m spinning… then i won’t be spinning often.

Jeff

Spent all night writing a 17-page personal essay.

Not posting it here, will probably never see the light of day.

Just needed to separate me from the protagonist and I think I was projecting too much. So, wanted to write my story down so that I was free to not project my life onto him.

Plus, I need to fix that issue in me.

Which ultimately means… this is a pretty shitty diary.

Writing a book, prattle on endlessly about it, but don’t tell you what it’s about. Don’t post snippets. Nothing.

Write something personal not even for the book… nope, you still don’t get to see.

Guess you just get updates on writing, sleep, and other minutae.

Sorry about that.

Not really…

Jeff

I don’t believe in writer’s block, but I haven’t been writing much lately. I still put the time in. Sit here. Try not to cheat and launch a web browser, e-mail client, or my arcade classics in MacMAME…

The weird thing is, I know what I’m going to write next. But it’s one of those things that is hard to put down. It isn’t the words, it’s because what I’m about to say cuts me down to the core. A truth I don’t want to admit. One that I haven’t resolved yet (although the character doesn’t resolve it in this book, either, so we’re fine from that aspect).

Every time I start to write it, I veer. On one level, I realize there needs to be some certainty that my experience and the character’s experience are the same, and they are. But the larger question is how to present it. Does the character put this situation together, or does everyone else need to hammer on it enough, the readers get it, yet he remains oblivious.

Of course, the book is in first person, so it a juggling act to go the second route. But if that is a better book, then I will learn to juggle.

Honestly, though, I think even this academic debate is a smoke screen for what I have to write next. It’s stuff I’ve always alluded to, just with more detail.

I think the best way might to be to not write it for the book, but write one version as a short story/essay that is about me. Once my story is written, then I won’t have to juggle my story and the protagonist’s. Maybe that is the way in…

I’ve been saying a lot lately that writing is therapy… and the breakthrough is about to come through.

Let’s keep our fingers crossed that this is what is slowing the book down, subconsciously knowing I was heading here… and once it is on the page, things will pick up pace.

So now I have a diary that is both cryptic about my book… and my life. Very telling, in its own way.

Jeff

Not writing…

I had a thought when I was going to bed last night. “I have no clue what I’m going to write tomorrow.” And then I was asleep.

Needless to say, I woke up and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. No big deal, if Saturday is my designated day to not write, and it occurs naturally on friday, I will just write on Saturday. Truth be told, I usually write on my “day off” anyway. May even write tonight, we’ll see…

Just not feeling this chapter yet, it’s a bit meandering. Once I find the center, it will all work out…

Jeff

OK, I’m not sure if I am in a state of euphoria or insanity, but the song MmmmBop WILL NOT LEAVE MY HEAD!

Yes, the Hanson song! I have no clue why…

Ok, backing up, I tried Spinning for the first time tonight. Well, that’s not true, I decided to try Spinning now that I’m a few dozen pounds lighter and less likely to feel like I’m entering cardiac arrest.

So, I do about 40 minutes of weight training (back) before the class, then I show up and sit on the bike I had selected an hour earlier and put my second towel on to reserve it. The class is a bit insane in that you have to call at 6 AM to get a spot in the 6 PM class, and by 7 AM it is filled up. Now, I’ve been getting up to write at 5:45 AM, so not a big deal. I found this insane system out, unfortunately, on Tuesday, when I was ejected from the class for thinking one could just “show up” and Spin.

Anyway, this time I’m all legit and, of course, two bikes remain empty anyway. So, we start the class, no problem. I’m cranking up the resistance, sweating up a storm, the music is good. the trainer is the kind I like, the one who are a bit aggressive and encouraging. All is fine.

Well, I am getting a bit sore, mainly because I tend to do my cardio in the low impact zone of stair climbers and elliptical trainers, and now I’m pumping pedals while standing, putting my whole body weight on the pedals, so the center of each foot is getting sore and… well, not my ass really. I guess the taint. I have a sort taint from this hard, uncomfortable bike seat. But, i expected some resistance, it’s supposed to happen when you start something new.

About halfway into the part where we are standing, I run out of water (thankfully having the foresight to buy two bottles prior), so I slow down and grab the second bottle from the floor, throw the first bottle down, and my left foot starts to come out of the straps on the pedal. I try to push my foot back since they are such a pain in the ass to get your feet into and the pedal just flies off the bike. It ends up next to the bike in front of me.

So, I’m not sure if this is common, can I just grab it and jam it back on? Should I just switch bikes? My trainer has his eyes closed and is telling us to find the beat, keep breathing, just focus on the music, and the rhythm, and the burn, etc. I’m trying to flag him down because I’m trying to spin with basically a little nub sticking out where my pedal used to be.

Finally, I get his attention, point down and lift my foot to show him the nub. He smiles, sees where it flew and says it jams back on, but then other people in class say to just switch bikes since the one in front of me is open, so I do a quick adjust and I’m back in business.

The second bike has a peculiar right pedal, though, it doesn’t have the intense strap action from before. It’s more like an odd plastic tongue that laps up the front of your foot. We’re standing up now, and it’s a constant challenge because i want to go faster, but every time i lift my foot, I am pulling the tongue higher and I know I’m at about the brink whereby my foot will snap out of the pedal. Unlike a normal bike pedal, the spinning pedals seem to flip upside down when not in use, so you are looking at the bottoms of them, which requires (well, it requires me to do this at least, there might be an easier way eventually) you to stop, hold the pedal right-side up and put your foot back in.

Once we are seated again, it’s all fine, and I’m keeping up with the class with no problem, sweat dripping off my wrists, elbows, nose, chin, earlobes… OK, maybe not my earlobes.

So, I was so fixated on my pedal issues, that the class went by rather quickly.

It also gave me more of a sense of accomplishment than doing the same amount of cardio on my own. I’m not sure if it the group aspect, pushing myself to do something new, hard to say. But there was more of a euphoric elation afterward. I think the plan now is to do Tuesday and Thursday spinning, and weight training on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. We’ll see how it works out. On some level, I’m thinking I might just focus on weight training Tuesday and Thursday, before the spinning, and just do cardio MWF. I’m sure this is fascinating to read, so I’ll “take this offline” as we say in my Dilbert life, and not trouble you anymore.

So, I go to walk home after the class, and I’m not sure why, but after I stop at the communist food co-op on the way in a fruitless attempt to buy vegan gnocchi, I can’t stop singing Mmm-Bop. I know I first caught myself when I was approaching the intersection near my apartment, and I’m “MmmBopping away” and there’s a cute guy crossing the streeting heading toward me. And i realized that he had to be close enough to hear me singing. Why am I singing? but then the greater issue arose… why am I singing !$@$%&! Hanson?!!?

Needless to say, no love connection was made between the anonymous stranger and the Hanson-singing weirdo (I’m guessing his reaction here).

So, I keep walking to the supermarket because I have a gnocchi fixation, and now I’m hoping that a) they have the gnocchi I’ve been buying because this spinning has made me famished, and b) that their gnocchi is vegan, because I just passed up delightful Porcini mushroom filled (albeit made with milk and egg) vegetarian gnocchi back at the communist lair. So, I hope I’ve been right all along and that I’ve been purchasing something vegan. Thankfully, they had the aforementioned gnocchi and it was, indeed, vegan.

And that is my night, and in like 30 minutes I’m supposed to be asleep, although the hour of lifting and the hour of spinning did amp me up a bit. Maybe I’ll crash easy, though. We’ll see…

As for the writing… you know, the reason I’m supposed to keep this diary. That actually went well today. I felt good about it.

In fact, this morning, I got done in a reasonable amount of time, and I just felt something else was supposed to occur. I kept re-reading what i wrote, and all the beats I planned to hit were there. I kept trying to figure out what I hadn’t done. And, it turns out, i forgot to update my you, my fictitious readers, on the status of my writing.

so, there you have it. Time for me to take a soak and finish off the book I’ve been reading, which oddly enough is “Ultimate Fitness” by Gina Kolata, who is a Spinning nut, who is debunking a lot of stuff I’ve been doing wrong at the gym (naturally), so that should be a good tub read for tonight while I soak the muscles that are not yet sore… but will be.

Peace,

Jeff

… won’t you stay with me? Just a little longer? You always seem like you’re leaving, when I need you here just a bit longer…

Schedule going OK so far, only a few hiccups. Nodded off for a bit last night, so I probably didn’t get to bed right in time for 9:30p, because I know I heard the beginnings of LoveLine at 10p. So, that made me a little more tired today.

Also, I don’t have a firm grasp on this chapter, which is making it a less successful experiment than if I were polishing one of the oft-written chapters.

Nonetheless, I wrote this morning.

The weirdest thing about this schedule occurred last night, though. When I came home, I had free time. Not much, and I slept through a bit of it, but I wasn’t procrastinating about writing or anything else. I actually did my writing, gym, and work for the day. I was just done.

Typically, when the writing occurred at night, there would be a lot of padding. Cook dinner, eat while watching the news or Jeopardy or a DVD, then work up to doing the writing, etc. The whole while, though, I had the notion of writing hanging over me. But last night, it was done. I actually just got to read some of the book I’m reading. It actually felt strange, but a good strange.

Jeff

It is entirely bizarre being at work and not having to write tonight…

Just feels wrong.

But in a good way…

Little tired, but it is only the first day.

Jeff

Decided to change the writing thing yet again…

So, this morning, at 5:45 a.m., my Zen Alarm Clock started chiming, and I got out of bed and started writing.

Last night, before bed, I taped up my CD/alarm clock combo so that I didn’t know the time. In the kitchen, I set the microwave to timer for 2 seconds and let it run down and keep flashing “END” all night, so once I shut off the zen alarm clock this morning, I just had to write and could remain oblivious.

To ensure I get to work on time, my other alarm clock was set for 8 a.m., to signal the end of the writing if it hasn’t already occurred organically.

This morning was decent, not exceptional. But that is to be expected moreso due to my not writing for a week after the string of concerts (Flaming Lips, Blue Man Group, Coldplay, Imperial Teen, and Pearl Jam). I basically woke up and looked at the last chapter I was working on, tightened it up, made some edits, and then started a new chapter, but one that has never been written in other drafts, so it lacked that familiarity that would probably have been beneficial this morning.

But it still worked out fine. I think I wrote for like 90-100 minutes and then kind of felt like I was done. I shut off the alarm and started getting ready for work a bit early (although the odds of that manifesting itself in my making an early arrival at work are still slim).

So, I’m interested in pursuing this new schedule, but apprehensive as well. The main thrust of the schedule is that the book is the most important thing i have going on right now in my life. Yet, my schedule has mainly been putting it last. Normally I wake up after 6, go to the gym, and then go to work.

The morning gym routine is something I also prefer, as I do think it gives your metabolism a boost in the morning and then you can keep it bouyed higher all day as a result. But after waking up early, going to the gym, going to work, making dinner… I am actually just starting my writing on the book when I’m starting to get tired and ready for bed.

Then there is “the zone,” which is the place I need to be mentally to write. This morning, I just sat at the computer and started. Didn’t question it. It was delightful. At night, it is something that has to be mentally convened. There is dinner, there is sitting on my couch and just trying to decompress from the day to summon it, etc.

So, if the zone is intact first thing in the morning, that has to be first. The gym, while far more hellacious, cruisy, and busy after work still only requires my presence, not my interest. If I show up, I can work out. Nothing needs to be summoned.

There is, however, the question of what working out at that hour will do to me as far as cranking up my energy in time for me to want to go to bed a few hours later, but that will have to be a wait-and-see thing. There is also the notion of working out during my workday, and just staying at work later.

The down side to this schedule, of course, will be every single thing that keeps me up past 10 p.m., so theater, concerts, and all of the usual suspects apply.

So, we’ll just have to take a wait and see approach, but so far is seems to be a change for the better.

Oh today’s chapter was the introduction of a new character, who wasn’t in any previous drafts.

Jeff