Just sent out my holiday cards this week, with the letter that usually accompanies it, and in the letter, I told all my friends and family that I am quitting my job this year.
It’s a big step, and one I’m sure that will be heavily-discussed when I’m in Pennsylvania for a few weeks. But, it’s not really a debate, it’s as well-thought-out as it will ever be.
When I think of the fear, uncertainty, angst, and everything else that accompanies such a big life decision, I just think of my deathbed. (Cheery, huh?) I think of myself looking back on my life and what I did, and that I tried to live the best life I could. It’s like people say, no one wishes they spent more time at the office, or any of the stuff we pretend that matters. It is about people, and love, and happiness, and (for me in this moment) pursuing my dreams.
And, honestly, it is scary. All change is. Moving to San Francisco was scary. I moved here without a job, and just 10 grand to my name. I am quitting Macromedia with more money than that, and I will have a job when I leave, as well. So, it is not a daring move on the same level.
I just got my annual review this week, and it was interesting knowing it was my last one. My boss gave me a higher grade than my self-review. Said I had a job there as long as I wanted it, even though she knows I am just there for a paycheck. Work quality is always good, though. That’s all that matters. Sure, i could be nicer there, take on more work, etc., etc., but that doesn’t interest me. Everything I write for them is 180 degrees opposite of my attitude about the job. That is all I care about. There is some sort of a work ethic in there.
One other thing that interests me, and this sounds crazy, but I love the thought of doing a job that is physical. Sitting in a cube and having a job that is entirely mental, for some reason, doesn’t cut it for me. I love the thought of having to carry stuff, lift things… I remember when i worked in a factory and just feeling sore at the end of your shift and feeling accomplishment in that. Call me crazy, but that had an odd satisfaction for me.
One thing that will have to go into overdrive in the new year, is losing weight. Most of the restaurants I want to work at, due to location, are in the Castro. Castro restaurants have a largely gay clientele. So, being some chunky dude is a career killer. Not that I need any more reasons to dump the weight already.
I’ve been transcribing the Thailand stuff into the computer all week, in case I want to write when I’m in Pennsylvania. Still liking it, so that makes me happy. Started using ViaVoice, so I usually write one chapter out by hand, and then transcribe one using ViaVoice. I’m not sure if it faster, or that it makes it fun but takes a bit longer. But as long as pages are getting into the system, I don’t care.
Also realized the “block” with the book, if you can call it that. More dumb shit. I only write it here as a note to myself in the future. It seemed I was pushign the characters and I felt like i was floundering and unsure of how the characters would react in these new situations. Finally, it hits me. They shouldn’t be in these situations. You just rushed the ending, didn’t build up to it properly, and now you’re writing past where this book is supposed to go. So, basically, the last thing I wrote in thailand *IS* the last chapter of the book. I’m not sure if that just happened because my brain knew that was the end and wanted me to get it written down in time, or whether I rushed the ending and hadn’t realized it. In any event, the book has an ending, but it needs to be set up better. So, I just need to back up and fill that part in.
Part of me thinks I’m learning a lot on this first novel, and that it will make the second one go faster. Another part of me thinks I’m going to go through this with every book, and I need to accept all of these missteps, second guessing, wrong directions, and confusion as part of the process. Maybe there’s some happy medium between the two.
Anyway, didn’t mean to go off on a writing tangent… but there is an odd feeling knowing that everyone in my life knows I plan to leave my job this year. Not that I’m shy about discussing it.
My guess is that half a dozen people back home try and suggest middle ground (as has happened already), whereby I see about working 15 hours for Macromedia or something. But that just isn’t a viable option.
The reason I am drawn to bartending, or being a waiter, or anything like that, is the lack of persistent thought. For example, I know all weekend hat i need to do at work on Monday, and what press releases are going out the following Monday, and that I am trying to wrap things up before the holidays for the announcement going out January 5, and what is coming in February… it is always churning in the back of my mind.
Bartending, as I see it now, although I may be entirely wrong, is entirely in the present. You will know when you have to work, but beyond that you show up, they order, you make a drink, and it’s over. Nothing needs to rent space in my head. I love that.
