Just returned from the midnight showing of Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11, one of three sold out (or nearly sold out) the night beforeits official opening. I just wanted to ensure this movie had as big an opening weekend as possible, and in a capitalist society, that means buying a ticket. With gay pride all weekend, it seemed the best time to go.

There are numerous online debates about the movie already and, if anything, it just shows the bifurcation of American thought. You just don’t see many middle of the road reviews of this movie. It is either brilliance or a two-hour lie.

This movie lacks a talking point, such as the Marilyn Manson or Charlton heston interviews in Bowling for Columbine, or the woman skinning rabbits in Roger & Me. I’m not sure what I will say to people about this movie. It paints Bush as an inept person who stole the election, spent most of his pre-9/11 days on vacations, used fear to manipulate the country into war… but we knew all that going into the movie. If anything, there are just additional details to back up all of these things.

I guess the one thing is how bad Bush looks… when he is the one being quoted. People say he is being quoted out of context, but I wonder what context would make his responses seem appropriate. That said, I don’t want to say Bush is stupid or evil, because I think that is too easy. I think he truly believes he is right and doing good things, which is even scarier.

Unlike The Corporation, which I caught a few weeks back, this movie really holds together well. And although Moore is often criticized for mixing important political messages with humor, I think that is why he is so popular. We see dead babies and American soldiers who are now amputees, but we still laugh when Moore is unable to get any member of Congress to consider signing their kids up for military service. Is it a stunt? Of course. Did he expect any to take him seriously? Of course not. But does it play up a serious point of how the world works? Yes.

I live in San Francisco, so I live in a daily existence where no one can understand how Bush got in once, and everyone wants to see him follow his father’s legacy and be a one-term president. So, I am in no way capable of relating how this movie will play in the fly-over states. I mean, what good is it if only people who already hate Bush and want him out go to see it? I was there tonight, and I certainly need no convincing.

Much like the famous race John Ashcroft lost before being named Attorney General… if John Kerry died in October, I would vote for his corpse over Bush.

Well, that title isn’t entirely accurate… the update itself is not life-changing, but rather an update on the plan to change my life.

Haven’t been good about updating lately, I’ve been too busy running around.

Guess I’ll fill you in on my progress on things.

The clothing thing has gone well. I tried thrifting it, but I think that is something that works better when you are just adding a piece to an existing collection. I ended up doing most of my shopping at Old Navy, getting a basic run of pants and interchangeable shirts. Pretty easy, of course most everything from the Gap Inc. folk wear like Grranimals for adults, you really have to try to make it not work together.

Been wearing the new threads for nearly two weeks now. Everyone started thinking I was interviewing, which I didn’t deny (although I’m not), but now they just accept that I “have a whole new thing going on,” as one co-worker puts it.

I’ve been adamant about wearing the shirts tucked in, even though they are made to go in or out. I’m not a big fan of them tucked in, but part of not being a shapeless T-shirt/jeans guy is accepting my size and shape today, despite not liking it, and working to change it.

Saw the doctor and he has me on some powerful anti-inflammatory to try and give my ankle help in healing, and if that doesn’t get better, he gave me the card of a foot doctor. so far it feels better, but I have been avoiding the gym, which will be the true test of it working.

Wrote the landlord and they unfortunately sent someone to FIX the old refrigerator. Oh well, will have to try harder in the future.

Leaving the Chuck site was fine. No real issues. Not that I expected any.

Been good about reading, although Pale Fire is rather taxing. I enjoy it, but there is no need to devour it, like I just find myself tripping over the words because I can’t not read it that fast. Nope. Nothing like that at all.

Writing has been less successful, but seriously I have been running around every night lately to achieve these other objectives. Something’s gotta give (but why is it always the writing?! Hmm…)

So, the running around… I decided that I didn’t want to just buy a chair I liked, that would fit into the room. It had to be “YES! That is my chair!” I needed to have Meg Ryan orgasms over it. I went to IKEA and mainly felt like the chair they had was comfortable, but seemed more like something I should get if I were straight, in my 20s, and getting my own place for the first time. Then, there was Macy’s (nothing fun), Crate & Barrel (nice, but nothing I like came in different fabric cheaply, and none of the other fabrics wowed me). There were others, and nearly each trip was its own evening.

For example, IKEA was taking the BART after work to Emeryville, getting a shuttle from BART to IKEA, shopping, having dinner in Emeryville, and then BARTing home, at which point it was 8:30p and I was beat.

Last night, I took what would be my last chair trek. I went to the La-Z-Boy showroom in South San Francisco (BART and a 2 mile hike on El Camino, as the guy told me it was only five blocks away, but seriously misjudged and, by the time I figured this out, I didn’t want to pay for the bus). I specifically went there to check out the Todd Oldham collection.

I actually have no clue why I even knew there was a Todd Oldham collection there, how I ended up on the site… all a mystery. But the designs were fun, the patterns spoke to me, and I schlepped south to go see them.

When I got there, I was torn between two models, the Lina (which is more of a comfortable chair and ottoman), and the Arc (a more traditional La-Z-Boy recliner). Neither of the floor models were in fabrics that wowed me. But I got the sense that my search was ending.

I finally decided on the Lina, as I really didn’t want (or have the room) to leave the chair a foot out from the wall to allow for the reclining. So, once I decided on the model:

… it was all about the fabric selection. This chair is going to the main piece in the room. My main chair. If you visit, though, feel free to use it. But, you know, I live there, so most of the time, it’s going to be mine. I needed to get something that plays off my mint green walls, as many of his stuff does, but something not too busy. Something that says playful, but also functional.

Finally, I went with this pattern:

(sadly, you can’t view it in real-time on the chair online, so you have to visualize the two pieces together yourself (as did I in the store).

It is WAY more than I planned on spending. But I didn’t really have a budget for it. The chair, as most chairs were that I saw, was $700ish, the ottoman about half that, and I also paid for stainproofing. It also has a lifetime guarantee. My mother has had La-Z-Boys before and they were always durable, hearty pieces. I guess this is what adults pay for furniture.

But it is already paid for now. No use worrying about it. I didn’t even dip into savings. It was paid for with a chunk of my recent paycheck. (Although one could make the case that that chunk of the paycheck would have gone into savings, so in fact, it was a savings dip). Oh well, not a problem. It is a beautiful chair.

The only problem is that it can take eight to twelve weeks to come in (although she says they usually come in sooner), as all the Oldham pieces are made by Oldham’s people. So, it may delay the July party, as I do want the living room in place for the party.

I also need a few lights and tables for that room, but really want the chair in first, so I make sure to keep thing as spartan as possible.

So, there’s the update. Now that the main piece is locked in, I feel the room is on its way. As is everything I set out to do.

As I was having regret that my ankle has been out of whack and preventing me from doing yoga, I recently went for an introductory zazen meditation session. I plan to go to a meditation session by this time next week. I won’t get the physical aspect of yoga, but I will at least get a head start on developing mindfulness and learning how to focus my energies in that direction.

So, Robert McKee was doing a Q&A and signing literally around the corner from my apartment.

For those of you who are unclear, McKee is the (self-appointed?) guru of modern screenwriting. He is giving his traditional three-day class this weekend in San Francisco (it is sold out), and they tacked this event on the night before, and he probably moved about 20 books.

I have taken McKee’s class twice. Once in my 20s at Hunter College in New York City. My first long-term experience in the city, by which I meant I stayed overnight… for three nights, as opposed to my normal drive home after a concert or show. The second time was two or three years ago in San Francisco.

His classes always inspire. His class is a blend of acting, stand-up comedy, and teaching. He is from the old guard where writing meant hard work and self-torture, so I am *totally* in his camp.

Tonight, he arrived fifteen minutes early and just started answering questions, saying people who show up on time will still get an hour of Q&A…

One of the first questions was about rewriting, which he admitted was hard to answer given that he has no idea what they wrote and how it is flawed. But then he fell back on the treatment…

… and my mind raced… oh shit, the treatment!

McKee’s process is how novelists, screenwriters, and playwrights used to create works, as opposed to the world of today where people write things down, edit it, and consider the work done. In the treatment, you write down everything that occurs in your story. Characters. Subtext. Image systems. Motivation. Every single thing you can think of. Put it all in.

Except dialogue.

The dialogue is never written in the treatment. But nothing else is left out. You can write “He tells her he loves her.” But not the words he says. The treatment should end up being much longer than the finished work. You build the world. The interactions between characters. How they feel about their relationships. Details that will never matter in the finished work, or at least will never be read.

The treatment is only written for the author, no one else will ever see it.

Once you have a treatment whereby the spine of the story is solid, and each character’s motivation is laid out, and you have a clear direction for the story, then you can write it.

But you are not writing from a position of ignorance, or trying to figure out where things are going. The hard work is already done. Now, you just get to create the perfect sentences. The dialogue flows because you know what every other character wants. How they interact. Why they are in these situations. You have empowered yourself to write a story with depth and resonance.

Part of what is hard to write in my current novel is that I do not feel I know most other characters aside from the protagonist. I know THAT I need these people to do these things to move along his story, but I don’t know WHY they are doing them. Their lack of dimension makes the piece read hollow. Many of the tertiary characters really have no grand point of motivation, but I think the lack of focus I have given them in the authoring process makes me question everything else.

By day, I torture myself by writing press releases for a software company. People often come to me and say they need a release about how companies X, Y, and Z are using our product. Just needs to show momentum. And it is a blank wall. I don’t know what the companies are doing. Oftentimes, I don’t know what site they even used our products for. My typical reaction has always been to tell people that the “easy” releases are always the most difficult because I’m being asked to invent things. I am taking few things and having to write “up.”

When we have a new product or anything substantial, which people always think will be the “hard” releases, it is a cakewalk. There is an abundance of riches to pick from. It is just putting everything about the new product on simmer until you get a reduction that captures the entire essence of the product, only more pronounced.

But for some reason, I say that by day… and by night, I try and write “up” on my own book. It is confounding.

- - -

Someone else asked McKee about the makeup of his class. What do most of them go on to do, etc., etc.

McKee basically broke it down into a few groups. But the one thing he can’t stand is people who love to write. I get up at three in the morning and I just can’t stop writing and it is just flowing out of me and… He said these people aren’t writers. He said writers dread writing because they demand excellence of themselves, and they struggle so hard to come close to achieving it. It is a lonely life for people who generally tend to never think they are doing their best work.

So… I guess I’m a writer then.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” - Benjamin Franklin

Tomorrow is Monday, which is the day (each week) when I start my diet. Tomorrow will be different. No details here, but I’ve had enough.

This post is mainly for me, so I can remember when it starts.

Came home from helping a friend move into his apartment tonight, and decided to check CNN to see if anything happened today, and the entire front page is on Reagan dying. I wasn’t the most political person when he was president. I remember sitting with my grandfather in his house and him telling me to watch Reagan being sworn in as president on television. That it was a big deal.

Like most people, my view of Reagan occured in retrospect. Conservatives have heralded him as a saint, seemingly wanting as many things as possible to be named after him, including the Reagan National Airport in D.C. (a fitting tribute for someone who fired striking air traffic controllers by the thousands)

Most people have beatified Reagan once Alzheimer’s put him in the same classification as ketchup under his administration. But, to me, Reagan will always be the last of the hardliners. Bush will talk about gay issues despite his abysmal record, but Reagan just couldn’t be bothered.

As AIDS escalated throughout the 1980s, Reagan was silent. Reagan didn’t even say the word “AIDS” publicly until 1987. At that point, more than 24,000 people had already died.

“Gay people must never forget that Ronald Reagan was as evil to us as Hitler was to the Jews,” said Larry Kramer, founder of ACT UP, an AIDS organization born in the Reagan years.

I learned about Reagan through Kramer and others. In fact, the angry face of gays in the Reagan years, when gay had nearly become synonymous with dying, kept me closeted; trapped between the world I didn’t belong in, and the world that scared and would kill me.

It seems ironic that in Reagan’s obituary it says he died of “pneumonia, described as a complication of Alzheimer’s disease,” the same illness that took out so many gay men in the 80s (and today, let’s not forget this thing isn’t over yet) as a complication of their gay cancer, Gay Related Immune Deficiency (GRID), and finally Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS).

Of course, this stuff will not be mentioned in the glowing eulogies online. He will be the Great Communicator, the Gipper, and the person who ended the Cold War. History has been kinder to his legacy than reality.

President Bush today said, “During the years of President Reagan, America laid to rest an era of division and self-doubt, and, because of his leadership, the world laid to rest an era of fear and tyranny.” Until, of course, Bush started that era back up again with his cowboy logic.

I don’t mean to damage the legacy of Reagan or wish his family any harm. I wish them more peace than he ever gave to the gay community, and honesty can only damage false legacies.

Just a quick update on the progress so far…

Have a doctor’s appointment today, whereby he will give me a referral to a foot doctor, most likely. I’m not in an HMO, but would still rather go to someone he recommends.

Sent the letter about the refrigerator to my landlord this morning.

Read. Wrote.

Also went clothes shopping, which… well, it is certainly unappealing to buy nice clothes for a body you don’t like. I actually decided to go through my own closet first and see what fits, what I like, etc. May as well get an inventory of what I like and, while I’m at it, get rid of the stuff that I no longer want to wear. I think the goal of dressing up for work is Monday, rather than it happening Thursday or Friday.

I have determined that I have expensive taste. I can see a shirt across the store and it will always be the $80 shirt, which I pushed through $30, $40, and $50 shirts to get to. The best shirt I saw all night was $285. So, I think I will be better off at the thrift stores, where $80 shirts become $12, but I prefer not to think of thm as used but, rather, born again.

I have also added a caveat to the new clothing edict: No polo shirts. Now, these are very widely worn (pun intended), but let’s face: it ain’t fashion. No, I want button down things, in mainly neutral tones. As opposed to the shirt you buy which only really goes well with one thing. Mix and match is key.

T-shirts will still be worn in my life… when I’m at home, going somewhere like a concert, bar. It isn’t a total moratorium. I am considering vetoing jeans, though. We’ll see.

After the doctor today, I will hit the thrifts in the Castro, and go check out some vegan belts and shoes at Otsu.

This weekend was supposed to be dedicated to writing. It’s always hard getting back into the writing, and I am now, so that’s good. But there wasn’t as much writing as I would have liked, but… is there ever?

I cooked an early dinner Monday and wanted to watch something on TV while eating, so I popped in “Comedian,” the documentary Jerry Seinfeld made about being a stand-up comic. I keep this documentary just because I love how much Jerry cares about getting it right. He always gets laughs, but if he thinks the joke could be better, they ring hollow. He knows he can do better. He is driven. Not to mention, it is hilarious to see someone take their own private jet to perform at some shitty stand-up club in Cincinnati.

In the supplemental audio track he does with Colin Quinn, he talks about a joke he does about a think tank and comments that people think he just gets up there and talks, but that just to get the words and phrasings right for that one joke, it took hours.

In another segment, he reflects on his work ethic and how he used to write all morning, but then he would see construction workers heading back to work after lunch, which makes him think that if they can go back and do that for the rest of the day, surely he could work harder on his craft.

For some reason, stand-up comics always inspire me. I’ve long been a fun of the overlooked film, “Punchline” with Tom Hanks and Sally Field. “Comedian” is a film that finds its way into the DVD player often. I love reading interviews and stories about Chris Rock and how he trains like a fighter, hitting clubs for months until he thinks he is ready to go out on the road. Rock always has two iPods with him on the road, one for music and one for comedy. It is not something he takes lightly. Seinfeld is the same way. In the documentary, he is shown going to the Museum of Broadcasting and watching old Ed Sullivan clips of Robert Klein and Richard Pryor. There is a love, a respect, and a history. But, most importantly, a drive to excel.

I don’t know of anything similar about writing. Sure, there are likely a ton of books that can inspire, but I still react best to visual. I think that Jerry and Chris know that funny only gets them so far, the rest of the way they get to the top is hard work. It makes me feel part of some larger tradition.

I mean, I have a draft of a book now, but when I read it, I see potential. And as long as I see potential, there are things I won’t be seeing: an agent, a publisher, a publicist, etc. I never want to look back on my first book and wish I tried harder. I want it to sing. It needs to sing.

Another half of the Comedian documentary focuses on a lesser-known comedian just starting to break out named Orny Adams. Now, on previous viewings, I of course like to align myself with the Seinfeld half. But today, listening to the Seinfeld commentary track over Orny onscreen, he said something that resonated. It was to the effect of, “He is under such stress, and it is all self-motivated.”

In another scene, Seinfeld’s agent George Shapiro decided to represent Orny and after a few meetings, Orny asks him if he thinks he has what it takes to be a star. Shapiro replies that he does, but quickly adds that he thinks Orny will still be miserable once he becomes a star.

As I said in the recent essay below (two entries down, I believe), a lot of my life is scheduled for after. After I finish the book… after I lose weight… but I think one thing that I’ve always scheduled for that time is my happiness. It isn’t today, but off in a distant tomorrow.

Another thing that has me thinking is a recent visit with my father while I was back home. As he hasn’t chosen to share his life online, suffice it to say that it was a very trying visit and he shared regret over his life.

And, it is easy to see me in that same position. Waiting for thin. Waiting for love. Waiting for meaning.

Somehow my father’s visit and the Seinfeld movie cross-pollinated today and changed my life. I’m not exactly sure what the repercussions are, but I know things will be changing.

First and foremost, I will be less committed to leaving my job as soon as possible. As I said in the last entry, I want to leave there when I have a finished book, and although that could still occur rather quickly, I want it to happen organically. So, the timeframe could stay the same, but it might not. (I’m always vague as to the planned timeframe on the public blog, although I don’t believe anyone there reads this anyway). Basically I want the book to set the timeframe, not push the book along to meet any specific timeframe. And I’m not quitting the job to finish this book. I am adamant about that.

But there will be some immediate shifts.

This week, I will go clothes shopping as I say goodbye to the jeans and T-shirt look, which is basically how I dress everywhere (work, play, movies, theater). I will dress up for work. I will dress up when I go out. I will enjoy this body for now. At the same time, I will keep going to the gym to try and shrink it down.

I will go to the doctor this week and get a referral to get my right ankle looked at, because obviously the bitch hasn’t healed properly and it is preventing me from starting yoga, which I want to do.

I will buy a chair and lamps for my living room to complete the look I want, so that I can entertain people in the near term. I will buy them new.

I will complain to my landlord and get a new refrigerator as soon as possible, as that has bothered me for quite some time, with its frozen items in the refrigerator at times and simultaneous defrosted freezer items.

I will stay committed to the book, but I think all of these other things will have a positive effect on it. On some level, it is the difference between putting all of my money on one blackjack number for the 37 to one odds, and not gambling. I need the book to add to the rich tapestry of my life, not define it.

I will write every day. Without fail. I can only become a better writer by developing a habit that will shape my art for years to come.

I will read every day. There is no way to be a good writer without being a voracious reader. To believe otherwise is folly. Sometime this month, once I finish the current Nabokov book I am reading, and the new Sedaris, I will begin a reading series that corresponds to Nabokov’s Lectures on Literature, which cover 7 books that he taught when he was a professor (Austen, Dickens, Flaubert, Proust, Kafka, Stephenson, and Joyce). I will read each book, then Nabokov’s detailed essay, and then re-read each book to delve into it using his guidance.

I also told Dennis at the Chuck site that I would no longer run the book club there, as I don’t think it benefits my personal development. Also, I really want to recommit to a different way of telling stories, mostly involving dead authors and honing my craft in new ways.

I will buy a cell phone. It is time to be able to hook into real-time socializing. Call people when I’m nearby, have people call me. It will probably not be the thing that takes off first in redefining my social calendar, but it is a piece of the puzzle. I will probably go with a pay as you go plan, like Virgin Mobile, rather than have a $50 monthly bill, initially anyway.

On some things, I will remain frugal. Big Broadway shows. Big name concerts. Not interested. I want to develop a calendar that is social, but not a social calendar. When people ask me what I am doing next Saturday, I want to be available to do something interesting. I want to hang out and have people visiting here more often.

I will celebrate my birthday. No details yet, but there will be a party this year, either in the house or at some public location where people can gather. I have a lot of great friends who don’t know each other, and should. So, they will probably meet at a party at my place first and then reconnect again in August at the very least.

I will take a vacation this year. I’ve really been burning myself out, and as nice as cashing out all my vacation time when I quit my job seems, I need to do something a little healthier and fun. I am also hoping to not vacation alone, so I will be looking for volunteers.

So, there will be money spent in the near future on clothes, lights, and furniture. I will still avoid going crazy and money will be put away from every paycheck to cushion the blow when I do leave my job.

My plan needs to revolve about my life, not some distant future.

I think there is a good chance that doing all this will change a lot of things in my life. My friendships. My mood. My focus. My ability to be in a better place to create. Confusing people at work as to why I’m dressed up and not pushing back on everything.

Let’s give it a go.

PS: Just in case anyone reads this and sees me in the next day or so, I will likely be in a T-shirt and jeans. I have avoided buying nice clothes for a while now, so it isn’t an easy switch to flip. I don’t have them, so give me a shopping window. If you see me in a T-shirt and jeans next week, slap me across the face.