Wow, been a while since I updated the blog… just hasn’t really been my thing lately. I apologize in advance to the two people who read this.

My main focus lately has been finding middle ground. I’ve never been one for balance, for accomplishing anything slowly over time. I am either writing or nothing else. Or working out and doing nothing else. Intense focus.

I want to write my book NOW.

I need to change my body NOW.

But this focus really doesn’t work. If it did, I would be skinny and published. What it means is that when I’m not doing something intensely, I’m typically not doing it. So, for brief periods of time, I am doing something at a level at which I cannot sustain it.

So, when I would be doing 12 cardio sessions a week, I would be intensely focused. Going to the gym wouldn’t not be an option. My body feels electric. Weight drops off of me. But then, there is a crash. Some reason it stops. And, instead of going to do cardio before and after work each day and once each weekend day, I just don’t go. And all the weight that was lost comes back. Usually more.

I have also done the same thing with diets lately. For a while, I was starting a diet every Monday. Of course, if you are starting one EVERY Monday, something obviously went wrong the week before. But, the downside was my optimism. As I knew I was starting a diet on Monday, most Sundays I would go out and have a nice meal, something I wouldn’t be able to have anymore. Now, this would be fine, if I didn’t have a “last supper” last Sunday, and the Sunday before that. The only success I had was instituting one meal a week where I ate the wrong foods.

Writing is the same thing. I am either writing with the blinders on, or not at all.

So, my thing lately has been how to find balance. On the body front, it has meant going back to Weight Watchers and doing what works, weekly weigh-ins, moderation, No extreme diets that are effective but will eventually burn me out. I also like it because it takes dieting from a purely personal level and makes it social.

I am also working on how to write regularly, but not maniacally. Like the gym, writing needs to occur regularly. Daily, in fact. It is the only way I can do it and bring value to my work. There needs to be a flow, a continuum. You don’t read a great book and take days off in between chapters, so you certainly can’t write an amazing book doing the same. And, I mean, if you aren’t trying to write something amazing, why even bother?

Work has been busier lately. That may explain the lack of blog postings because, although they are usually time stamped in the evening, they were previously written on the job and I just adjusted the time after I posted them to be the night before. But I don’t think anyone who cares reads this at work anyway. I mean, I’ve made reference to planning to leave my job on here, and no one has brought it up at work, so I assume that no one is reading. Of course, I say that at work, so they probably just think it is the usual rambling and not an actual plan. I do plan to be at my job through the new year, though, rather than leaving in the fall. Mainly so I can get a nice long holiday break home, which a new service industry job might not afford me. But, I should be quitting early in the new year. You’ve read it here first.

I have also tried to be more social lately. There is a dark horse candidate in whom I’m interested, but nothing has happened yet. We’ll see. Not sure if he reads this, so certainly no more details there. If you are reading this, and you think “I wonder if he means me?”, I do. I’ve also worked on spending more time with friends, which has been nice.

Now, there has also been less success on curbing things I like. I always bring up the book and the body, but really for things to work out time wise, there have to be cutbacks elsewhere. I have probably seen every summer movie in which I have been interested. Last weekend, I saw Collateral, Open Water, and Manchurian Candidate — in the same day. This weekend, it was Garden State and A Home At The End Of The World, also in one day. So, although I enjoy film, it is too much. It is time I should be doing other things. Ultimately, it is a fear of not having plans. My fear never seems to take me randomly hiking at Ocean Beach, though. Nope, it is always passive, sedentary activity.

This weekend, when I left work on Friday, I had no idea what I would do until Monday morning. While it was a safe bet I wouldn’t write or work out, it was still disconcerting to have that much time available. The Buddhist book I read recently mentions having a fear of time alone, of reflection… time to question the validity of the identity you have constructed. Or else I’m projecting. Which could be true.

I do think these things are all connected. I do not believe I need to sort out my writing life, and my physical life, and my social life, and everything individually. It is all one. The reason I stay overweight is why I haven’t finished the book is why I drown myself in narrative on weekends is why I’m single is why I’m writing this blog entry instead of getting enough sleep to ensure I work out before work tomorrow, etc.

I think focusing on this issue is why I subconsciously seek distraction, because focus will kill it. Writing about the stupidity of it helps kill it. Speaking about it out loud kills it. It is only empowered in silence and subservience.

I do think I will be healthier physically when I am successfully writing. I think things are only difficult when you try to make them difficult enough to ensure they are insurmountable. It is easier to say you don’t have time to go to the gym than saying I will go at 7:30 tomorrow morning. One is an excuse and the other makes you come up with a good excuse.

I didn’t write this weekend because I never tried to write. I didn’t work out because I never packed my gym bag. There is no mystery. I will eat healthy tomorrow because I went out of my way to cook a healthy lunch tonight. And, although I have to be home at 7 a.m. tomorrow morning to buy east coast concert tickets when they go on sale for a gift, I have already packed my gym bag to go immediately from the gym to work, altering my usual schedule instead of abandoning it.

It was my birthday last week, and I guess I am working to kill the side of me that is preventing the other half from having the life I deserve.

Sorry, dark side, but I know I’m getting close and it is bothering you, but you are going to die this year. Soon.

I need all that room in my life for health, passion, spirit, and love. So, get out.