People have been asking about what "I’m doing" lately, in regards to diet and all that. I’m apparently crossed the physical threshold where that is noticable and acceptable. Sadly, I have very little of interest to report, as I am just dieting and exercising. But I will expand on that, so that I can point people here if they ask in the future.

I am doing a combination of The McDougall Program and Weight Watchers. The McDougall Program is a vegan diet where you avoid animal products (obviously), as well as oils, breads, pastas (except whole wheat), and sugars. I eat so many fun, flavorful, and satisfying foods that I am always at a loss as to what to say when the next question after mentioning my diet is always, "So, what do you eat?"

The Weight Watchers component overlaps it, and I think I mainly use that socially (things that get me out of the house are good), but also it is the one moment where I weigh in every week and reflect on what I did right and wrong in the past week, and what the week ahead looks like. On Weight Watchers, I follow their new "Core" plan, on which you can eat all the fruits and vegetables you want, some oils (which I avoid), soy products, whole grains, beans. Basically, everything that is amazing and natural. The Core plan also allows for dairy, cheese, and meat consumption, which I do not allow on my program.

In addition, I go to the gym seven days a week and do 45 minutes of cardio. I alternate between the ellipticals (fat burning mode, resistance at 7 (presently), and I jack the normal program up a level or two manually), cross-trainers (cardio mode, and let the machine keep my heart rate at 147), and stepmills (fat burning mode, level 6 (presently).

That’s it.

As for WHAT I eat, the options are endless. Today I had shredded wheat, blueberries, and soy milk for breakfast; two Boca vegan soy burgers and corn for lunch; Indian spiced peas and mushrooms for dinner. I also had a grapefruit and apple as two snacks during the day.

There are many McDougall cookbooks on the market, which I recommend. And he has a monthly newsletter which has 4-6 recipes per issue, all of which are archived on his website.

I also eat out without much incident. At Pasta Pomodoro, I order their primavera dish, which automatically comes with whole wheat penne pasta, vegetables and a red sauce (I always refuse the bread and pesto before I even sit down). At Nirvana, I alternate between their vegetarian lettuce cups, ginger salad, and green papaya salad; although, on rare occassion, I do have the firecracker noodle soup with tofu (which has rice noodles instead of whole wheat). At Millennium, I eat anything I want. the bigger issue there is not filling up.

That is another new thing, which I attribute to Weight Watchers. On the Core plan, you are supposed to continually monitor yourself and only eat when you are hungry. Sounds simple, but most people eat based on emotional impulse, time of day, and a lot of other factors beyond hunger. When you do eat, you don’t eat to be "full," but rather to feel "satisfied." Only cure your hunger. In this modern age, no one should ever worry that they are unsure when they will get an opportunity to eat next.

So, those are the things I have been doing for half a year now. And what I will continue doing until I finish losing weight. And what I will continue doing once I have lost my weight.

There is no food that I salivate over and can’t wait until I eat it again once I’m finished dieting. Over the holidays, I actually had a rule. If I ever said "I can’t" regarding my ability to eat a food I was offered, I HAD to eat it… I realized that being vegetarian, I had no qualms about telling people I don’t eat sausage. But, I would say I can’t eat a cookie. I later lied in Weight Watchers when explaining this rule, saying it cost me a few cookies, but it was worth it. In fact, I never said can’t regarding food the entire time. The first few meetings after the holiday eat-a-thon were no time to be that honest. Stephen King always told interviewers that he wrote every day except Christmas, his birthday, and the Fourth of July, later admitting he wrote on those days, too, but it seemed to weird to people to be that disciplined.

This week, I went to see Dr. McDougall give a presentation about his diet. I went with two friends who started a new website called sugar-free vegan (which also has recipes), and he did his normal spiel. The most interesting parts were seeing people try and get him to exempt them from what pills they take, or how they eat.

One woman just could not get around the fact that you can eat olives on the McDougall plan, but not use olive oil. She said it is a healthy oil. He said all oil is fat. She said it was better than using other oils. He said that if she wanted the fat on her body to come from olives, that was fine to eat. It’s similar to Weight Watchers, where the Core plan does allow oils, and potatoes… but not french fries. If you’re looking for loopholes in this stuff, you’re only hurting yourself.

He also spoke out against taking any vitamin supplements (which I hadn’t heard him do previously). I have been VERY bad about taking mine anyway, so I guess it’s been for the good. He does recommend 50 micrograms of B12 daily if you are vegan, but that’s about it.

The day after seeing him in person, his new DVD set arrived at my door. Three DVDs of his lectures, and two additional DVDs about the biological addictions to certain foods, and vegan cooking. Haven’t watched most of it yet, but I can’t get enough.

I also received a book today called The China Study, which (my understanding is) will show the implications of diet and health, as well as spell out how powerful lobbies and the medical establishment are covering up important science in the same of profits.

I guess I seem a bit obsessed by this stuff. I think doing something like this diet for life is going to bring out a lot of guilt in other people. People who offer you something and you refuse to eat it because it is unhealthy (although you hopefully put it more tactfully than that) will still raise issues that it is unhealthy and make them wonder if THEY should be eating it. (If you ever ask yourself that question, the answer is always no).

Anyway, that’s what I’m up to these days…

After a mind-numbing night of sorting and entering 98 T-shirts into eBay, the auctions are now online. There were many themes to the shirts that ended up in the sell pile. The breakdown of the ones in the sell pile fell across: I really saw this band?, faces, black T-shirts, white T-shirts, and age-appropriateness.

Yet another mystery of where my money used to go has been revealed. Bands I recalled seeing, who weren’t my favorite bands and were not bands I was in love with, still managed to score two shirts in some instances (for one concert). Bands like Blur and Sugar Ray.

Other bands style of T-shirts just don’t fit the trajectory of where my personal fashion is heading, because as much as I love Natalie Merchant, I just really don’t need to her face on my chest. Bono and Trent Reznor were the only ones who managed to avoid this rule.

Black and white T-shirts were a large part of the pile, but I’ve just become so bored with those colors. I rather have something lively and interesting on: blues, purples, oranges, reds, greens, etc. Nine Inch Nails were the rare exception who managed to have a lot of black T-shirts that also ended up in the small pile of shirts that get to stay.

Age appropriateness was a harder thing to come to terms with, and the biggest victim of this theme was, hands down, Marilyn Manson. A lot of his shirts also violated the face rule. But, a lot of his shirts seemed like they should be worn by younger people. A big evil grinning Manson on the front, with a slogan of "This is your world in which we grow, and we will grow to hate you" on the back just didn’t seem like a message for a 36-year-old. One Manson shirt also had a policeman holding a gun to his head as though he was about to kill himself on the back and, again, it just didn’t seem like the vibe I’m going for these days. I love Tori Amos, but a black shirt (violation #1) and big letters saying "RECOVERING CHRISTIAN" across the chest (age appropriateness violation), end up on the pile, despite my really liking the shirt on its own merit. Along those lines, I even tossed the Wil Wheaton shirt into the pile. I can’t see another occassion where that is the shirt I would need to wear.

So, I ordered 100 Priority Mail boxes from the post office, and charged everyone enough postage to cover up to 2 pounds, although next week will still suck as far as all the shipping. Now we’ll see if any of these shirts sell for a lot of money. I started all the auctions at 99 cents with no reserve.

If you want them, get over to eBay and shop!"

Ever since I got home for the holidays, I have mainly been hanging out. Not writing.

With the ever-present inquiries of "How’s the book going?", the response has been along the lines of  "Everything is going fine." And it has been…

When I worked at Macromedia, my writing was always forced. There was a set window and that was when it had to occur. I needed X amount of sleep, worked for X amount of hours, worked out at the gym for this amount of time, so you have to write in whatever time is left, minus the amount of time you are preparing meals, doing laundry, and everything else.

But I didn’t want to "force" myself to write now, just because it was what I was supposed to be doing. I knew that my instinct would kick in and, when I was ready, writing the book would just seem to be the only choice. I wanted it to be purely organic. And, that time is now.

For the past two and a half hours, I have been rolling around trying to fall asleep. But, I can’t. I have only been able to think about writing. I have also solidified the three-narrative structure that will make the book "bigger," which has been haunting me for a while now.

I am ecstatic with the new form the book is going to take. I know how the book will end now. I know why the book will end now.

I think I will finally be writing something that will make Stephen King and Tom Wolfe proud (see previous entry).

I see the book as more of a personal, emotional, and political statement now. It brings together so much of my life into one concentrated entity.

The new developments also tie the book in more directly with my planned quasi-trilogy of novels.

All of the metaphoric stuff between the novel and my life line up perfectly now.

In short, I think a lot of the questions have answers. A lot of the mysteries have been solved. I found the voice and the purpose for this book.

Needless to say, the slacking off preiod has ended.

It is finally time to write.

Of course, I am DEAD tired now and hoping writing this will let me sleep so I can wake up and dive in.

—

For the sake of clarification, as one might wonder why someone who repeatedly says he doesn’t want to talk about his novel seems to have written a lot of inner workings about the novel, the point of this entry is to mark the point at which I am starting, and some of the things that were resolved in the past day or so. Most of this entry is for me. I’m just letting ya’ll read it.

Just got back from the Wil Wheaton book event in San Francisco. Very well attended. I ended up sitting very close to the front on the floor. And he probably read, spoke, and took questions for nearly 90 minutes. Was a good time and I got my copies of Dancing Barefoot and Just a Geek signed.

He said he is working on a novella at present, and I’m very curious to read that. I can’t wait to read something that isn’t of the “used to be an actor” or “My wife rocks!” stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I like that stuff. It’s just a pet peeve of mine. For example, when I read Zoe Trope’s book, which was based on her chapbook of the same name, my disconnect with that material after the initial chapbook (which was the beginning of the full-on book in its printed form) referenced the chapbook. So, halfway through the book, you were reading about… the book. Like, seemingly the same book you are still only halfway through reading. It just seemed surreal to be hearing about the book you were holding in your hand as part of the book. And how people reacted well to the book, and her friends liked being in the book, and she was out promoting the book… was all part of the book?! And, with Wil, there is some of that, too, albeit to a much lesser degree. Parts of Just a Geek reference the existence of Dancing Barefoot. Like I said, it is just a pet peeve of mine.

I guess my role model as far as a lot of that goes is David Sedaris. You very rarely hear him write about or reference the fact that he is a writer, and a best-selling author at that. When he writes about getting a part-time job in Paris, and his boss has a rubber hand, you never say, why does he need a job? In fact, he writes about it being difficult to get a job in Paris as though he needs one. That’s just my style, I guess. For example, some of his stories of meeting interesting people might happen while he’s on book tour, but I doubt he would ever say he was in Berkeley promoting Me Talk Pretty One Day. He would just be in Berkeley and tell the story about the interaction, and you don’t really care why.

Obviously, Wil’s story about being on stage at a Star Trek convention requires him to be an actor, who had a role on a show, and that show has conventions, etc. So, it is a necessary evil, one that is usually absent when he talks about his family.

I never have said this on the blog before, that I’m aware of, but I actually plan to write some memoirish essays in the near future, probably what I will do in the time Stephen King says I have to be working on something else between drafts later this spring. They will be posted here or, if my book sells quickly, I might even try to place them in actual periodicals. At some point, they will be published as a collection called “Getting By,” after the name of my first failed screenplay that led to my “coming out catharsis.”

Speaking of Stephen King, he wrote a piece in this week’s Entertainment Weekly about the Tom Wolfe book, “I Am Charlotte Simmons,” where he agreed with some of the criticism of that book, but lauded the fact that Wolfe still sets out to write big books with a lot of ideas and ambition. Not that I should be writing myself into a sentence with Stephen King and Tom Wolfe, but I couldn’t agree more. Personally, one of the hardest things I am dealing with on my book is that I don’t feel it is “big” enough. I just don’t want to repeat myself, and this subject matter will not lend itself to a series of books (there’s the pullout quote for a future journalist, when I contradict myself and write my fourth book on the same landscape), so I want to stuff this book full of every thought I can. I want it to be definitive and I want to feel sapped of all rational thought on this particular subject when I’m done writing it. I want it to be part of a national dialogue, asking big questions and being a launching point for overdue discussions. I never admit this in person, or when I speak about my book with people (which I do less and less these days anyway, for my sanity), but I can’t conceive of NOT writing to do that. I really can’t. (Don’t ask me about this in real life, this is really all I want to say about this subject. Sorry I’m being passive-aggressive about this book writing topic lately).

Back to our original story…

Part of my preparation for going to the Wil event tonight was that I decided I should wear this WilPower T-shirt that is one of the many, many, many T-shirts I have here in storage. I should explain, if I can. I apparently love capitalism in an unhealthy way. For quite some time in my life, I wore XXL shirts.

Now, when you go to concerts and such, the XXL is a rare treat. It isn’t often that you can just buy those size shirts. Around the time of Lollapalooza 1992, with Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Jesus and Mary Chain, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, I started buying XL shirts despite my inability to wear them. Part of it was incentive, and part of it was that no one overweight thinks they are going to remain overweight. Why buy the size I intend to shrink out of?

I’m sure it happened before Lollapalooza, but that seems to be the turning point of specifically buying shirts that didn’t fit me and immediately storing them. Sometimes, I would just buy two concert shirts, one XXL and one XL, in different designs, and just wear the XXL one at that point in time.

Now that I am easily (once again) in XL shirts, I just keep cycling the same ones over and over, and I have all of these other, antique ones all packed up in boxes in my kitchen pantry. The interesting thing is that within this year, I may actually get into L sized shirts, rendering all of these shirts old AND baggy.

Going through them today looking for the “Only Official Wil Wheaton Fan Club” T-shirt, I was amazed at how many shirts I had amassed. Some are totally cool and I actually plan to put a bunch in my dresser drawers now and rotate some of the ones I wear all the time. Others were like… when did I love Everclear/Marcy Playground/Sugar Ray enough to buy a T-shirt?! In some cases followed by… I really saw Marcy Playground live?

As expected, I found the Wilpower shirt and wore it tonight to the event. Wil immediately knew what it was when I approached him. He said his mom would have flipped if she saw someone still wearing it, as she was involved in running the fan club. I mentioned writing the piece about him in XY, and how I got hundreds of e-mails (and still do to this day) asking how I know he is gay (which the article never even says) and why Wil told me he is gay (which, he never did. He’s not even interviewed for the piece). I even told him that I interviewed him twice, once on a Philadelphia press junket before Toy Soldiers was released and another time where the article never materialized. He asked about it, and I told him a condensed version of the Splice story, and how I wrote a non-glossy piece for a magazine about how there was drug use on the Stand By Me set, and how he doubted River Phoenix losing his virginity during the filming and all of this stuff you’d NEVER read in a teen magazine. He seemed to be amused by that. Then, we compared notes on fiction writing, and took a photo with me wearing the Wilpower shirt.

Of course, when I come home, my kitchen is just filled with PILES of T-shirts, and I don’t think a lot of them should be put back into storage. I think it might be time to toss a lot of them on ebay and see if people care to get some vintage concert T-shirts. Some of them, I doubt will sell online (I have MULTIPLE Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat T-shirts for some unexplained reason, although it may have to do with my seeing the gayest touring company of that show EVER, while I worked backstage security in Pennsylvania). So, I will post here when I put the auction online.

Some of the stuff, like Bends and OK Computer-era Radiohead shirts are just great. They marketed themselves so well back when they made good albums. I also have some REM Monster-era stuff that just rules. So, I will be wearing some of that in the near future, before it is too big on me.

But, hopefully a lot of it will sell online and find new, happy homes. I’m keeping the Wil Wheaton shirt for now, though.

Postscript: Just went through the PILES of T-shirts and found that I had 149 of them, 150 counting the Wil Wheaton shirt. Yikes. Given that a lot of these are concert and Broadway shirts, I don’t even want to think of how much all of these shirts cost me. Oh well, maybe they’re worth more online? I doubt it, but we’ll see…

Got an interesting package in the mail today from Chuck Palahniuk. He normally can’t get to fan mail, but has a specific window in which it can be sent each year. This year, it had to be postmarked in November. I wasn’t planning on sending him anything, really, but once I got fired from Macromedia it seemed appropriate, as my emphasis would be largely shifting to my novel and he asked everyone writing him to tell him their goals for the New Year.

I spelled mine out clearly (book, body, boyfriend), and sent it off.

Today, I got one of his famous gift boxes, filled with confetti, streamers and the following gifts:

A power camel.

A signed packet of Forget-Me-Nots.

A signed copy of Fight Club.

Trick birthday candles.

A rubber check.

A rubber duckie.

A switchblade comb.

A Whitman’s Sampler.

Two red, plastic hearts. And a red heart ring that flashes when worn.

Two fortunes from fortune cookies, one of which says “Your present plans are going to succeed.” (not pictured, too small)

A temporary Japanese tattoo for “Loyalty”

A two-page, typed letter, which responds directly to what I said in my letter.

And a necklace made by Chuck, the beads of which are explained in the letter, as well. (If you look, one side says “To Jeff Walsh” in beads, and the other side says “From Chucky P”):

And at the end, he handwrote the following near his signature:

What a very cool thing to have randomly show up today.

OK, the time is here. My vacation home for the holidays was refreshing and I got to see lot of family and friends, which is all I wanted. The time is finally here to roll up my sleeves (figurative, as I tend to wear short sleeves, and I think rolled up short sleeves looks kind of stupid, although I suppose you could get away with it if you really worked it) and walk toward destiny.

Tomorrow, I will wake up (let’s hope so, anyway). At some point, I will go to the gym. And I will begin the final stretch in writing my novel. That’s pretty much the schedule for every day in the near future.

It’s interesting, as there has been a lot of subtext lately when people talk to me lately. Some people come right out and say it, but others stay one step on the other side of the line. They will ask what it will be like to not have a job… wonder what I’ll do after the money runs out… what I’ll do after I finish the book, etc.

In short, what will you *really* do after this? After you get this whole book thing out of your system, what will your next job be?

I wish I had answers (but not really). For me, there is no master plan, because it would be folly to calculate so many things that are out of my control.

And, I really want to live in the moment. I want to live the writing of this book. I want to cherish linking words together and hopefully tell a compelling story in the process.

As for my next job? This is it. Author. I can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing. But the clock is ticking. I will run out of money at some point. I will therefore be doing less, or at least spending less.

That said, I have no plans of being reclusive. That old writing method was a by-product of having only so much time between the day job, the gym, and everything else. I fully intend to be out and about, meeting people, socializing.

My goal this year is to learn how to be a full-time writer. I know how to lock myself up, not see anyone and bang words together. But that isn’t going to get me more new friends, stronger existing friendships, and a boyfriend.

I’m going to try and have a few ground rules, though. These are mainly for my sanity. For the people I do see (or talk to online) on a regular basis, I need to ask that you not ask about the writing, the book, where I’m at with the book, what’s happening now in the book, etc. The abstract is fine (how is having time to write full-time?), but really, I am going to be living this book a lot, so when I am out and with people, I’d rather talk about anything else.

I was a bit open-door about the writing process on this book when I first started, but that wasn’t really helpful for me. I won’t bring this up in person or remind anyone that I don’t want to talk about it, but I certainly won’t light up the conversation in response to that line of inquiry. (A sampling of the responses you’ll get: “Fine.” “Good.” “OK.” “Hopefully soon.”)

Also, my lack of a formal job doesn’t mean my calendar is free, either. Until the writing finds its schedule, I’ll largely not be free for lunches or hanging out in the mornings or afternoons. Just pretend I’m working, except with this job there will be even less instant messaging, less e-mail checking, and no phone calls. Always e-mail instead of calling during the day.

The goal is to get to the point I was at when I wrote the draft in Thailand, if possible. Back then, I would be writing and Jamey would randomly show up, and I would just put the writing down, go swimming or whatever with him for a while, and then when he’d leave, I could just pick the notebook back up and know exactly where I was and what I wanted to say. I just need to figure out how to do that in an urban setting. If and when I do, great, but I’m not there yet.

I can’t believe it’s here, though. Tomorrow, I start working on the novel again full-time. I can’t wait to find my way into this book again, and I certainly can’t wait until I get to write on this journal that this draft is finished.

While writing the book this time, I will be simultaneously starting the Nabokov MFA, which I will explain in greater detail in a future post. I think I’ve touched on it in the past, but I will go into more detail once that begins.

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive of me up until this point. It has been a long road to get here, and I look forward to making 2005 the year where my two major things for so long, writing the book and slimming the body, switch from future tense to past tense.