Lots of e-mails about the last post. Well, to be fair, they were e-mail replies as I sent it out to a core group of people…

Anyway, lots of interesting feedback.

One person questioned whether anchors were necessary at all.

Another went for easy mental permutation for me by speaking in novelwriting metaphor: "Your character can’t just move without motivation! Develop this! These decisions will be prompted by plot developments."

And yet another said that the anchor is me, and that all decisions do not lack an anchor, rather all my thoughts are rolling around within the anchor. That e-mail ended with a great quote from Kafka: "You don’t need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Don’t even listen, simply wait. Don’t even wait. Be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you. To be unmasked, it has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet."

So, thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts and wisdom on that last entry.

I’m in a different place now, actually. All of that stuff is still there, but I don’t feel as rootless as I did when I wrote it.

I think there was this artificially constructed chasm between where I am right now  and other goals I had on the horizon. For example, after losing eight more pounds, I was going to start doing some upper body training in preparation for yoga. After 18 pounds, I was going to start taking yoga. Somewhere in the middle there, I was going to get an overdue physical exam. Somehow all of these future plans got attached needlessly to arbitrary weight goals.

So, I abandoned all of those plans. I went to yoga last week. I am having blood drawn tomorrow with a physical scheduled for two weeks later, which will include the results of the blood, so I will get to know my cholesterol levels and all that good stuff. I am hoping for cholesterol in the double digits, but we’ll see if I can achieve it.

Also did a little shopping, which is not in the budget, but I have to get some new clothes for the new body so… budget be damned!

This part is still strange. I am buying clothes that are appropriate for my physical body, but which are not yet believed by my mental image of myself. This week, my order from the Gap.com arrived and there was some underwear in Medium, Shirts in L, and (had they not Canceled them), pants in 32 inches. All of this stuff fits. But looking at it, and attempting to put it on my body always has a pang of disbelief. These small pants in my hands will not fit on my body… until, of course, they do.

As part of that process… well, doing hatha yoga is part of that process, as well, you know… getting the mind and body connected through poses and meditation in unison… but as ANOTHER part of that process, I went to an author event last week by Byron Katie. Her first book, Loving What Is, had been recommended to me when I was attending a gay buddhist sangha over the summer. I had bookmarked her site, looked around it every so often, but largely forgot about it.

So, anyway, her new book about relationships came out "I Need Your Love - Is That True?" (Is that True? is one of the four main questions you ask as part of her methodology). Anyway, I ordered the book through Amazon in advance of hearing about the event. I figure I’ll check her out. When I flip through the book, it is very relationshippy, whereas her first book, Loving What Is, seems to be more about working on yourself.

In advance of her arriving at her event, I purchase the first book for actual retail cost *shudder*, as it seems to be more appropriate for me right now. How to combine my mental image and physical reality into one happy thing is definitely a worthwhile pursuit. And she certainly delivers. She was a delightful presence at her event. She had that unquestioning joy and calm about her that makes you immediately say, If her methodology gets you to that place, bring it on!

I spoke with her briefly as she signed my book, she held my hand as I spoke, called me sweetheart, and then signed both books. It is one of those deceptively simply books, though. The kind where you’re like Do All These Buddhisty Self-Help Books Have To Sound Like Eight Year Olds Wrote Them?! I’m fine thinking I’m deluding myself, but I’d like to think the way out from where I am is a bit more complex than THIS! But, maybe, it isn’t. Enjoying the book so far, so we’ll see.

I started the hatha yoga to further the mind-body connection. The goal is still ashtanga yoga, and I did e-mail the yoga studio Jamey recommended to me way back in Thailand, asking their advice on how to build from where I am now (nowhere) to an Ashtanga practice, so that I follow some sort of path. Probably keep doing Hatha for a while. I applied to do a work exchange at that yoga studio, so if that happens, I will donate time for free classes.

In July, I will begin looking for a new job. But, not a sucky corporate job. Trying to avoid those. Want a very service industry job. Waiter, bartender, etc. The goal is to find the opposite of writing. So, balance the isolated, mental, passive writing energies with the social, physical, active job, so that I’m not earning my money in the same way I chase my joy. That’s already proven not to work for me with Macromedia, so… let’s try something new. The sad part is that I could make so much more money doing short-term corporate nonsense, but I need to keep my soul for now.

Just taking all these steps has made me feel more grounded across the board. I think I had too many things "on hold," so freeing them up was definitely the right idea.

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 8th, 2005 at 9:30 pm and is filed under diary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.