After dining at Millennium, I made a quick escape to catch Tom Spanbauer’s reading at a Clean Well-Lighted Place For Books. Spanbauer’s latest book is "Now is the Hour," and he began his event by mentioning the book title came from an old song, which he proceeded to sing.

Reading went well. At one point during the reading, Tom got choked up and had to stop to collect himself before he could finish the piece. As is often the case anymore, people I haven’t seen for a while look at me like I’m familiar, but they don’t automatically recognize me. As soon as I mentioned who I was, we were immediately on the same page, and chatting as he signed my book.

Afterward, we walked from the bookstore to a small art gallery/studio a few blocks away. Spent a lot of time during the walk chatting with Tom about everything and nothing. He’s such an inspiration to me as a writer, but rather than pummel him with writing questions and such, we just let the conversation happen as we walked.

At the art gallery, we sat on a couch and chatted some more. I also got the opportunity to meet and talk with his sister, who was visiting from Idaho. At one point, Tom read two more pieces from the book for the small crowd that was gathered in the art gallery. The second piece was about his sister and was read at her request. As he described things that happened 45 years ago, she would shake her head yes or no as to whether it was true.

The thing about Tom is just how much he values the quest of writing. That is something that is often lost on me, since there is always such a pressure to finish, to push on, to publish… whereas Tom says he writes because he likes spending time in those dark corners of his life, because that’s where you hit the real things that connect with people.

I did tell him that every so often, I price Portland apartments, just because it would allow me to become his student and sit in his house every week and learn from him.

But overall, it was a great night, and I can’t wait to finish the book (this summer, as I’ve promised!) and send it off in a package to Portland, so Tom can see what he taught me…

So, went to the annual Southern Comfort dinner at Millennium tonight, which I’ve been doing for… probably as many years as they’ve been having it. Again, the menu was amazing. Definitely not a good day for my McDougall diet, but always interesting nonetheless. Was interesting to think that this is actually food that people eat somewhere, it seemed *so* over the top to me. Anyway, here’s the menu for this year:

Starters: House-made corn bread and "parker house" rolls with carrot pecan butter

Crispy Fried Amusements: "Hot Carl’s" Zucchini Fritters with Chile Jam; Chili "Cheeze" Fries; and "The French Mike" Monte Cristo (marking the first time I ever had a deep-friend sandwich in my life)

A Fiddlin’ Trio of Salad Delights: Aunt Carissa’s South Santa Rosa "Ambrosia" Salad (featuring vegan cottage cheese that was spooky in how spot-on it was in both flavor and texture); Wedge of Iceberg with Avocado Green Goddess Dressing; and "Our Young Nephew Diego’s" Black-Eyed Pea Chow-Chow

The Grand Dandy of Entrees (pick one): "Stay Away From Uncle Eric’s" Meat Loaf with poblano-onion gravy; or Dunbarski’s "un-Tuna" and Polish Kielbasa Casserole with corn flakes and crispy onion rings (which I chose); both served with smoky collards, Jason’s "Lafayette" slaw, watermelon, and Baked Potato Bar. (The Baked Potato Bar was just a baked potato, and then you went over near the dessert station to add vegan margarine, sour cream, bacon bits, chives, and cheese yourself.)

Sweet Treats with No Meats (pick one): Vanessa’s Chocolate "Budweiser" Cake with strawberry-rhubarb sauce and roasted apricot sorbet; or Our Kid Sister Anne’s "Grasshopper Pie" with chocolate cookie crust and mint ganache (which I chose).

Meal also featured "sun tea" and "squished" lemonade, or if you wanted buckets of beer, Mine Juleps or "Trailer Fizz" (no clue what that is).

Certainly not an indulgence I would want to have frequently, but always an annual treat.

Well, as my work options ramp up (one contract gig in place, full time job on the horizon perhaps?), there needs to be more time dedicated to the novel. As such, I canceled cable and TIVO this afternoon. Not a huge deal, given that the TV season just ended this week, but anything helps.

I became very aware that I have been reading less (primarily a result of TV, I think), so that combined with the addition of more work hours in my day means I need to concentrate my efforts on making sure my reading no longer suffers again.

I think I’m going to switch gears (or at least who gets to bill me monthly) and look into the Audible Listener program, whereby I can download X number of audiobooks per month. I think the idea is to start listening to books at the gym and, if I get a job I’m interviewing for next week, on my BART commute. Only so many hours in the day, so makes sense to combine gym and reading since the technology is there.

Speaking of good technology, (well, I guess this isn’t really technology, but still..) Amazon *FINALLY* offered me a trial subscription to Amazon Prime. Doubt I’ll keep it on (unless that full time job pans out), but I do like the response time on the shipping. Not sure what took so long for my trial, given how much I order from them….

On the job front, I am doing webwork that has a very unique spin in that it is marketing, but I totally and completely believe in the person, the message, the product, and the results. It even pays decent, although a notch under what I make for total corporate sellout gigs. So, for the first time ever, I am writing marketing copy that doesn’t seem to be, well, lying to some degree. And, that difference has been rather profound as far as my desire to do the work. I’m loving it.

Anyway, cable TV ends in a week or so (whenever the next biling cycle was… June 7 or something). TIVO was immediate, but I was due for a bill in a few days, so that’s good timing. I’m going to keep saying this despite the boy-who-cried-wolf aspect: I am going to finish my novel before the end of summer (if not earlier).

Just finished reading Brave New World today, as I do have a love for novels outlining bleak dystopian futures that are grounded in today’s society. If it goes a bit too sci-fi/fantasy, I tend to drift off, but if it is something like Brave New World or 1984 or the Robin Williams’ film "The Final Cut," I stay interested.

Written in the 1930s, I think the book held up pretty well. Although, between the two, I would have to side with 1984 as the more realistic of the two, whereby there is knowledge of what is being done with the present to affect the future. In BNW, it is more about creating a future where there is no past. It was interesting that to create the ideal society, there had to be a class system for it to work. everyone couldn’t have one class or else there would be chaos and such. This reminded me of The Matrix, where the Architect said they tried creating a version of The Matrix with no war and such, and it just didn’t work out.

A short book, it didn’t seem to get enough wind in its sails to keep me enchanted, although this might have to do with the fact that the main character shows up about 100 pages into a 200 page book. John The Savage lives in the reservation (same as The Proles in 1984, people who live outside the larger societal structure), the son of a mother who grew up within the artificially constructed society, but was abandoned in the reservation Malpais (which, if I’m not mistaken is just bad country in Spanish? Which would make sense as most of the characters had names that either were or were based on Marx, Lenin, etc. Not really going for subtlety here).

The part I couldn’t understand is, if this kid was raised by someone who is constantly going on about how much better that other, artificial society was… why he was so shocked when he got there. You would think it would be like "So this is what she was always going on about…"

Of course, like any good dystopian text, it is not entirely black and white. For as fake and artificial as that society was, they didn’t have war or anything. They were just raised to be consumerist, pill-popping automatons who didn’t question anything and convinced themselves they were happy. So, save for our inability to stop waging war, we’re getting there.

It is interesting to think that in the 1930s, Huxley had to imagine a society where children were programmed hundreds of times a day to want to consume, and other things that suit a capitalist society. With the invention of TV, and parents using it as their frontline babysitter, this is largely non-fiction anymore.

I did find it strange that the reservation seemed to be much more antiquated versus modern times, in that they performed human sacrifice, and seemed to be far more of a Native American/Mexican/Mayan culture but yet one of the smuggled books the kid grew up reading was the Complete Works of Shakespeare. That seemed to distract me more than engage me, since 1984 only projects a future society, using the present day (when it was written anyway) as the jumping off point. I don’t think the "past" had to shoot back a few centuries and the "future" projected forward. It seems sufficient that readers of that time see themselves squarely in one of the settings to better set up the rest as a cautionary tale. Personally, I’m a big fan of setting up your dystopia for maximum impact, which ensures a majority of readers nail down the point as specifically as possible.

I didn’t read the Brave New World Revisited, which I believe was written by Huxley in the 60s, and was part of the book as purchased, because seeing how it was becoming more true in the 60s seems already too dated at this point, unless someone updates it again on its 70s anniversary coming up. It seemed too late to only chart half of its progress since publication.

This is definitely a genre that continues to fascinate me, although I know that for me personally, it would require a great deal to pull off writing in this genre. I think it would mean an extensive period of time offline for the most part, with no TV, possibly in a country where English wasn’t spoken all that much. Of course, I’ve just described my ideal writing climate for EVERY book I might possibly write. I do think that to write anything of value that holds a mirror up to society, you need to somehow get yourself removed from society to get enough distance to have valuable insight. Otherwise, the biggest image in the mirror is you, right up front and center. (This is not yet another size/body image reference, only a truism about the science of mirrors. If you are in the foreground, and holding a mirror to see what you are a part of, it would have to be behind you).

The best I can probably hope for in this regard is getting out of an urban area in the next decade, although that requires a husband. Someone whack enough to want to do that move as well. We’ll see what happens.

Up until recently, I’ve been saying that I’m "letting the market decide" as to my career fate, which meant I was applying for retail, hospitality, non-profit, and corporate jobs and wherever I got hired first, that’s where I would go.

I’ve changed my mind about this.

My goal now is to re-enter the corporate world.

This probably seems opposed to many things I said I would ever do when I used to be at Macromedia, but as I’ve stated on this site already… I’m not that person anymore.

I think a huge part of why I didn’t do well in that environment back then was partially due to the fact that I didn’t like myself all that much. I kept my distance from co-workers. I didn’t appreciate the money, but saw it as something that kept me tethered to unhappiness against my will. I let it all bother me.

But now, I see all of that as yet one more way I let things deflect from real issues. Primarily, my body image dissatisfaction, my failed attempts at dieting, my non-existent social life, etc. It is always easier to find external scapegoats for my internal bullshit.

So, as of now, I am going to plant a flag in the ground. From now on, I am only going to apply for corporate jobs and, once I get one, I am going to excel at it like never before. I am going to advance, take on more responsibility, and do whatever is required to be indispensible whether that means moving closer to my job (if it down on the peninsula) or buying a car (hybrid, of course) or riding the train every day (two hours of reading/writing time!) and doing whatever it takes.

At this point, I’m sure both of my readers are wondering: Umm, what about your novel? You know, the whole reason you went out of your way to leave Macromedia? That will still be finished. It will still get my attention and is still a source of passion. But, realistically, writing a book is just a white collar version of the lottery. VERY few authors get to focus on their writing exclusively. The goal is finding a way to incorporate it into my life so it gets its proper attention, but also is part of a more healthy work/life mix.

And, sure, if by some amazing chance I happen to write the book that finds the right agent, the right publisher, the right ad campaign, the right publishing schedule, the right critics, the right audience, at the right time… I’ll worry about that when it happens. And even if those things ever do line up for me, it is possible it will happen on book two, or four, or seven. I need to build a life that will sustain me more profoundly as it is happening.

And, one that will bring me financial rewards as well, which will be used to do a lot of "necessary" things, including: global travel, capping my teeth, slicing off some excess skin due to the weight loss and tightening things up where they need to be tightened now, ensuring my retirement accounts are building, taking all the lessons I’ve learned from my extended sabbatical and seeing who it makes me as a person now.

So, I think it’s time to give up the notion of being a waiter (they certainly never seemed to share my view on that front anyway, so I guess I’m finally agreeing with them). It is time to learn how to live large without being large.

Tonight, I applied for a job for which I feel very qualified. And it’s not in the city. But, that’s not the biggest concern anymore.

The whole commute thing was always about hitting the gym and getting time in to write. Well, I’ve been jobless now for… 18 months now, and I’m still not at goal weight (although very close) and the book still isn’t finished (although close as well). So, part of that was bullshit. 18 months was enough time to finish two books and be long past worrying about goal.

Of course, the time I had off was more about personal growth than anything else. I’ve become far more centered and calm. More open. I’m learning to exist in my new body. And, there will be even less time for the book as I start dating more seriously. But there isn’t time to keep putting things on the back burner. I need to learn how to cook, clean, eat work, date, love, dance, create, share, love, feel, and everything else in my life simultaneously.

So, the goal is still to finish the novel before summer solstice (June 21). A bt more than a month. Reasonable. We’ll see what happens.

Then again, I also hope to have an amazing new job before then, which may delay things just a bit. And that will have to be OK, too.

Had a sane breakfast, worked on the book, dropped stuff off at the post office (mother’s day, ebay stuff), had a pre-portioned lunch, an afternoon snack of green beans, cooking up some whole wheat pasta with sauce and sliced squash in it, and after that I will read, watch some TV, and crash. Didn’t make it to Trader Joe’s yet, but there’s no urgency there. Great day overall…

In my last post, I mentioned that the book is not suffering from writer’s block. That is true.

What is more true is that a larger, competing narrative has emerged. Not a new book, but rather an attempt to unravel my own identity and sort out the truth of who I am in this moment. Actually, the issue is more about the choices I made previously that got me to this moment.

So, this isn’t about the book, but more about what is preventing me from giving it my attention. I’m hoping by writing this out, it will start further processes turning, connections made, and
solutions found.

This might be a HUGE blog entry. That’s the sense I’m getting. But, there will be no e-mails sent to friends encouraging them to read it or anything else. I’m more than willing to talk about thing in person, but the blog feels like the safest place for now.

Where to start?

A few months back, I started overeating. That may or may not be true. I say I’m not sure, because the more I examine it, I don’t think the binge-eating or overeating was new, it just gained clarity as my new body got smaller, my portions decreased more, and my body started feeling healthier. I forget what happened specifically, but the end result was that I had a sudden urge to overeat and it was alarming.

Sadly, it is not as alarming anymore. I do continue to see the eating binges as the death throes of my fat identity trying to stay alive in the sense that they will cease to exist when I hit my goal weight. That is pure optimism, though, and I’m not certain it is true. Because, looking back, there were signs that I was overeating before (which seems ridiculous to say, given that I was over 300 pounds). I remember that I would come home and, passing Safeway, stop for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Frozen Yogurt, always having the debate whether to go Cherry Garcia or Chunky Monkey. When I got home, it would get a quick turn in the microwave and finished in one sitting. Of course, that kind of behavior is how you get to and maintain 300+ pounds.

Back then, they were intentional and never agonized over. I just wanted to have yogurt. Today, it is an ongoing struggle between knowing what I should be doing and feeling like I’m watching preordained activity unspool itself against my will.

Let’s take a look at today and see where things went wrong. As per usual, it is always clear when things are going to be more likely to happen. As much as I complained about having a full-time job back in the day, it did provide a measure of direction. It compartmentalized my day effectively into times I had places to be, meetings, lunch hours, and such. So, given my entire day being my own right now, if I do not cordon off specific activities in advance, chaos rules. If I wake up and my gym bag is packed and the plan is to immediately go to the gym, that is perfect.

That said, it takes me a good 30 seconds to pack a gym bag, but it is irrelevant. The point is whether I wake up knowing I’m going to the gym as opposed to waking up thinking I might go to the gym. The latter may mean a leisurely breakfast, nodding off in front of the TV, checking e-mail, playing Ms. Pac Man while listening to Al Franken, and then finally around 10 a.m. (up to three hours after waking up), finally going to the gym. When I plan to go in advance, I will be at the gym within 30 minutes of waking up.

I need margins and discipline. I make lists in my sleep, baby.

I guess part of the issue for me has been how the two events can differ so widely, given there is only a 30 second hurdle to overcome if I didn’t pack my gym bag the previous night. It seems ludicrous, but the issue is really about intent, not whether my gym clothes are ready to go.

The writing follows suit, and it subject to always being the next thing on my list. After I go to Trader Joes, I’ll work on the book… after the gym, after I make lunch, after I read another chapter of my book, etc., etc. In some ways, the gift of having the whole day open has backfired. Nothing exists to reign my schedule in.

That said, I am a horrible tyrant when it comes to giving up on writing for the day. I would prefer to be honest right up front some days and say, "It isn’t happening today, let’s call it quits." That never happens. Instead, the day is spent in a perpetual limbo where the book is dangled after every activity and then ignored to some new whimsy.

I do think the writing avoidance and binge eating have ramped up a bit lately because the job situation is making me nervous. I definitely underestimated how soon I would get hired based on the assumption that I was qualified for a large number of jobs that are regularly posted. While that is still true, there is a massive disconnect between companies posting jobs and then following through for interviews and such. And some of them are so perfectly lined up with my abilities, I really can’t imagine that I’m not being called back.

The overeating always sneaks up on me. Every day starts with good intentions, although (to quote something said at the Weight Watchers meeting I attend) there is a positive intention behind every food choice (I’m messing that up, I’m sure). But, basically, the gist is that there is something I am trying to do that is good when I overeat. Sounds nice, and honestly, I’m not buying it, but there is definitely something to it.

The best way to typify what has gone on lately is to think back to the Last Suppers. I used to start diets on Mondays, since that seems to be my family’s way, so when a new diet was going to start on a Monday, I would be sure to go out on Sunday night and chow down. Especially on food I wouldn’t be getting anymore. Then the diet would start Monday, and fizzle out before Friday. The intention to start again on Monday would kick in again, as would the Last Supper on Sunday, and the pattern would repeat.

The only thing I was good at doing was having Last Suppers. And, now, the only difference is that I don’t wait until the next Monday to recommit, so once a day goes downhill, there is an "Oh well, better get it while you can" mentality to everything. But, it is deeper than that, I am definitely trying to fill some hole with this food, and I’m writing this to try and attack the issue from different angles and try and see what it might be.

I’ve mentioned recently about the identity issues that have surfaced as a result of my weight loss. In some ways, I am not the before or the after in my pictures. But the issue digs much deeper than the external. The body image struggle has raised issues about my core personality and made me wonder about how I became the person I am today.

For example, I am not a very social person. That doesn’t mean i don’t want to be, just that I’m not at present and, more troubling, I’m not very good at breaking through whatever bullshit has got me where I am today. Nearly every friend I see regularly and chat with on a regular basis is someone I knew before I moved to San Francisco, and knew primarily online, and then became friends in real-life with them once I moved here.

But, I mean, it’s San Francisco. It’s a big city. While not removing these people is OK, I should certainly have added to the ranks over the years. But I think I just shut myself off to that. I remember being at Macromedia and thinking that it was strange how they only talked about work and we never got together afterward, but I think that is more about the vibe I put out there. I was only there to work and didn’t push to become part of people’s lives in a deeper way.

In some way, this is something that is troubling about pursuing a career writing novels. There are two ways it can go: 1) The book does well enough for me to ditch my job, work on the next book full-time, and learn how to be social outside the parameters of what it takes for me to write a novel; 2) I have a full-time job AND need to use a chunk of my time not at work to work on the second book. In both cases, it is going to take some doing to get me out of this hole.

But, similar to my difficulties in dating, being social is only like riding a bike if the assumption is that you’ve ridden before. Only, I haven’t. I shut down a long time ago, and I’m not certain why.

I remember seeing picture of when I was in high school, and we all went on a band trip to Virginia, and in every picture, my group of friends was there, clustered together, and a few steps back, I would be walking behind them. They were chatting, pointing at things while the others looked in the direction of their fingers, and a few steps back, I would follow, probably not hearing what was being said and clearly not looking at the object being pointed at.

So, this has been going on a while.

I think this is why Dae had such an impact in Thailand. I had never been in a situation before where someone wanted so badly to be with me. And he had to do it despite me pushing him away several times. I mean, I’m in Thailand, alone, and some hot Asian guy that I’m totally into keeps offering me sex, and I’m making excuse after excuse to get out of it?! That is not normal.

I know I’ve chatted with Darrel about this on a much higher level, more about my inability to be spontaneous. Like, he would end up, on occassion, in my neighborhood, just walking by my apartment, and see if I was home and up for a visit. I honestly couldn’t imagine how you just end up somewhere. I have to have a destination when I leave the house and then, when I’ve been there, I return home.

Another example is how I never really took advantage of the San Francisco nightlife, and my exucse used to be that my friend who would come down for dinner and a show or somesuch always went home right afterward. So, he would drop me off at home, after we had our meal and entertainment at like 11 p.m., and I would just go to bed. Now, most people who are planning to go out for the night aren’t even otu the door at this point, but I just settled in and called it a night. Again, not normal.

The binge eating seems to be a new way my body has found to make me uncomfortable in my body now that my body no longer makes me uncomfortable. Today, I had a normal serving of oatmeal for breakfast, plans to eat with a friend flying in for lunch, and then probably just have one of my portioned-out meals in the refrigerator for dinner. Pretty easy.

So, after breakfast, I’m on the phone with my mother, and notice an e-mail from my friend that he missed his flight and that we’d probably just do dinner instead. This seems pretty obvious. Eat the portioned meal for lunch and go out for dinner, right? Somehow, it became eating one of the portioned-out meals while still on the phone with my mother (at like 11 a.m.), so why so early? What meal is this? Am I even hungry?

After I hang up, I decide I would go to Trader Joe’s to pick up some frozen veggies, as I was running low. If I was already going to Trader Joe’s, I should just work out at the Potrero Hill 24 hour fitness, instead. And, if I’m going there, I can have lunch at Herbivore.

OK, why am I going out for lunch? I just ate what is a perfectly-portioned meal, albeit slightly earlier than I should have. Anyway, since I’m going for frozen stuff, Trader joes gets shuffled to the last stop. First stop, of course, Herbivore. And less than an hour after eating, I’m having a vegan shwarma with potatoes and eggplant. Then, not certain that I’m "full" (bitch, please!), I opt for the vietnamese spring rolls. The logic here is that I’m not certain what time I’ll be having dinner, so this will prevent me from snacking.

The logic fails quickly as my next stop is the corner store which sells the soy ice cream sandwiches, which I have, because it is a nice warm day. Of course, before buying that, I toss back two haystacks from the bulk bin (chocolate covered coconut!) without paying for them.

I walk back down to 16th street, turn right to head toward the gym, and make it as far as the Latin grocery where I buy a corn tamale for 99 cents. Another blow against later snacking?!

And then here is the beautiful part of the day… I decide to bail on the gym AND Trader Joe’s, which is why I left the house in the first place.

Instead of working on my book, which was the half-excuse I made for returning home, I end up napping. At around 4 p.m., I make another serving of oatmeal, but this time, it is not the 3/4 cup of oats, but the full cup. At this point, my friend has already called and is at the airport, and just taking the train to his hotel at which point, we’ll have dinner. So, I eat to prevent afternoon snacking, and then have a voluminous afternoon snack.

At Nirvana at 6, and we start with steamed dumplings, and I get a non-dairy order of the Man-O-Mango, which I have rarely, as it is fruit and refined flour. But I skip dessert. Well, at Nirvana, anyway. After getting him back on the subway to head back to his hotel, I hit the bubble tea place for some iced tea and refined tapioca flour pearls.

Then, on my way home, I stop at Crepevine. An important thing to note here is that Crepevine is a Cash Only establishment, and before Nirvana I *intentionally* took out enough money to cover Nirvana and, just in case, Crepevine. So, no shock here, but I’m at Crepevine and ordering Pumpkin Spice pancakes. And, these are BIG pancakes. Like three pancakes at 8 inches wide, and maybe a half inch thick. With a side of fruit (healthy?).

It is important to note that, once again, I have my backpack with me and the plan was to go to the gym AFTER the pancakes, since if they are in your stomach when you work out, you will burn them as fuel immediately. But, I blow off the gym.

Now I’m in Safeway. I have no plan to buy anything, no need to buy anything. I start by getting ingredients for a McDougall Bean Burrito Casserole, but abandon them later in the store. I end up getting a box of cereal (organic Optimum Promise with flax, blueberries, etc., etc.) and, a reward(!!!) of a "healthy" candy bar, cuz it has soy in it or something, I guess.

The candy bar is devoured before I hit the sidewalk.

So, I get home, and well, is cereal really just a breakfast food anymore? That’s sort of old-fashioned thinking, isn’t it?

If you ever thought that these healthy boxes of cereal never really hold much, I would have to say that they basically will fill a basic soup/cereal bowl three times. That’s it. Bag’s empty after three.

I can’t say I want to know that information, but I do. I also must admit that I didn’t learn this tonight. But I did reconfirm those findings tonight.

So, after having oatmeal, a bowl of Indian spiced peas and mushrooms, a vegetarian shwarma with a salad, vietnamese spring rolls, two haystacks, a soy dream sandwich, corn tamale, big bowl of oatmeal, steamed dumplings, man-o-mango, pumpkin pancakes, side of fruit, candy bar, and three huge bowls of cereal… I call off my eating for the day.

And it was all so unconscious, without pleasure, just pure intake. But, I don’t know what makes a day like today happen, whereas tomorrow, I may not even stray from my regular routine and portions. This week will probably result in me missing Weight Watchers (reality avoidance), so that when I go again next week, I’ll be down a pound (rather than up 5, down 6, or something).

I know that a big cure to this is structure. My gym bag is ready to go already (hell, it’s been on my back and ready to go all day). I still intend on going to Trader Joe’s. And I am going to try like hell to work on the book tomorrow.

There’s still a lot of stuff about me that is broken. And a lot that has been fixed. I’m not sure what I’m trying to do by writing all of this here. Shame myself into changing? Explore the patterns and hope to find clarity?

Anyway, I just set an alarm to go off tomorrow morning. When it happens, I will prepare my normal dose of oatmeal, eat it, and go to the gym. When I come home, I will shower, dress up, sit here, and work on the book. After a few hours, go to Trader Joes, recover the hard drive that messed up my weekend, read some more of Brave New World, and hope that whatever makes me go off the rails doesn’t happen again.

I hate sounding like such a tourist to my own life. But it is the role I seem to have in all of this. I recently downloaded a ton of MP3s from Overeaters Anonymous meetings. I played them out loud during my last binge (couldn’t today because of the FUBAR’d hard drive). I keep trying to make myself cry, force some fake cathartic moment that probably won’t happen. I do wonder why I never cry, though. With the amount of emotional upheavel I’ve been through with the weight loss and such, it should have happened. I do think I’m too bottled up. Sometimes the amount of things in my life that I want to change seem overwhelming. (I cried in Thailand when I wrote the journal entry after saying goodbye to Dae).

The only thing I can do is to try and change, starting tomorrow. Wake up. Gym. Shower. Write. Read. Apply for jobs. Go shopping. Try and get through the day without binging. With writing. With working out.

Take one step away from the person I am, and one toward the person I want to be.

Today is over. It can’t be fixed. Tomorrow is a blank slate.

Today was a further study of the overintellectualization of the process, insomuch as whether you should know the personal subtext of what you are writing whilest in the midst of the process.

So, you always hear writers say that they were writing their stories, and not until much further into the editing process or, in extreme examples, after it was published, did they realize they were writing about a personal issue in their life albeit through the veil of their ficitonal metaphor.

I’ve been hung up on the current chapter for a while now. Again, I hasten to call it writer’s block, in that I know what needs to be done. The chapter was always a simple one, the last chapter of Part One (assuming the parts survive, which I doubt at present). It was always, I’m ashamed to say, sort of a nothing chapter, albeit necessary. And it was the last chapter before the "meat" of the story kicks in…

I’m not certain what happened, but in the last week or so, this chapter has become hugely important. Part of it was realizing that it was the last chance to get the reader behind the protagonist, because the story opens up a lot after this point. And that is a fine thing to be aware of when writing. I don’t ever think it is negative to think of this story as something that will eventually be read. That is, after all, the point.

But a little too much staring, and then the personal and emotional resonance of this "nothing chapter" started kicking in. This is, after all, the chapter where the character hits his goal weight. Where he puts his past behind him and starts foraging forward for his new identity.

Needless to say, it is the closest part of the book where my story and the characters intersect, not to mention the closest at which they are intersecting in real-time, as the character is slightly ahead of me in hitting his goal weight. In short, it is the closest to a real-time snapshot of my life as the book is likely to offer.

Which means the "nothing chapter" has taken on huge significance. I want it to be perfect, to perfectly encapsulate where I am right now, because there is a seemingly universal quality to this chapter. At least in the sense that it is the closest overlap that exists in the entire book between myself and the protagonist.

It is also telling that whenever there has been something that I’ve written off as "necessary filler," it has caused the greatest delay because, well, there shouldn’t be filler in the book. If there is something that needs to be conveyed to the reader at this point in the book, there has to be a way to say it that is engaging and interesting.

The chapter is slowly congealing mentally, and I know it will happen soon. I don’t know if it is possible to write ahead of knowing the personal connection as far as something this on the nose, but as a mental exercise, i certainly like to think so.

(On top of everything, I had a hard drive crash, so today is all about recovering files. The novel is backed up nightly, so no worries there, really, just trying to get the system all back in order, so that distraction can go away)

So, I was just trying to get a handle on the weight loss, as it nears completion, mainly because I’m writing the chapter where the main character hits his goal weight, so trying to get into that mindset. As a result, I decided to check things out and ended up piecing together this picture. I’m not certain when the picture on the right was taken, although it was Christmas and not too many years ago. The picture on the left was taken on Sunday.