Up until recently, I’ve been saying that I’m "letting the market decide" as to my career fate, which meant I was applying for retail, hospitality, non-profit, and corporate jobs and wherever I got hired first, that’s where I would go.

I’ve changed my mind about this.

My goal now is to re-enter the corporate world.

This probably seems opposed to many things I said I would ever do when I used to be at Macromedia, but as I’ve stated on this site already… I’m not that person anymore.

I think a huge part of why I didn’t do well in that environment back then was partially due to the fact that I didn’t like myself all that much. I kept my distance from co-workers. I didn’t appreciate the money, but saw it as something that kept me tethered to unhappiness against my will. I let it all bother me.

But now, I see all of that as yet one more way I let things deflect from real issues. Primarily, my body image dissatisfaction, my failed attempts at dieting, my non-existent social life, etc. It is always easier to find external scapegoats for my internal bullshit.

So, as of now, I am going to plant a flag in the ground. From now on, I am only going to apply for corporate jobs and, once I get one, I am going to excel at it like never before. I am going to advance, take on more responsibility, and do whatever is required to be indispensible whether that means moving closer to my job (if it down on the peninsula) or buying a car (hybrid, of course) or riding the train every day (two hours of reading/writing time!) and doing whatever it takes.

At this point, I’m sure both of my readers are wondering: Umm, what about your novel? You know, the whole reason you went out of your way to leave Macromedia? That will still be finished. It will still get my attention and is still a source of passion. But, realistically, writing a book is just a white collar version of the lottery. VERY few authors get to focus on their writing exclusively. The goal is finding a way to incorporate it into my life so it gets its proper attention, but also is part of a more healthy work/life mix.

And, sure, if by some amazing chance I happen to write the book that finds the right agent, the right publisher, the right ad campaign, the right publishing schedule, the right critics, the right audience, at the right time… I’ll worry about that when it happens. And even if those things ever do line up for me, it is possible it will happen on book two, or four, or seven. I need to build a life that will sustain me more profoundly as it is happening.

And, one that will bring me financial rewards as well, which will be used to do a lot of "necessary" things, including: global travel, capping my teeth, slicing off some excess skin due to the weight loss and tightening things up where they need to be tightened now, ensuring my retirement accounts are building, taking all the lessons I’ve learned from my extended sabbatical and seeing who it makes me as a person now.

So, I think it’s time to give up the notion of being a waiter (they certainly never seemed to share my view on that front anyway, so I guess I’m finally agreeing with them). It is time to learn how to live large without being large.

Tonight, I applied for a job for which I feel very qualified. And it’s not in the city. But, that’s not the biggest concern anymore.

The whole commute thing was always about hitting the gym and getting time in to write. Well, I’ve been jobless now for… 18 months now, and I’m still not at goal weight (although very close) and the book still isn’t finished (although close as well). So, part of that was bullshit. 18 months was enough time to finish two books and be long past worrying about goal.

Of course, the time I had off was more about personal growth than anything else. I’ve become far more centered and calm. More open. I’m learning to exist in my new body. And, there will be even less time for the book as I start dating more seriously. But there isn’t time to keep putting things on the back burner. I need to learn how to cook, clean, eat work, date, love, dance, create, share, love, feel, and everything else in my life simultaneously.

So, the goal is still to finish the novel before summer solstice (June 21). A bt more than a month. Reasonable. We’ll see what happens.

Then again, I also hope to have an amazing new job before then, which may delay things just a bit. And that will have to be OK, too.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 15th, 2006 at 1:23 am and is filed under diary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.