I should be asleep now…
But, I went to the Jamie cullum concert tonight, so a bit too wired to be asleep, which just means I’ll be less awake than I prefer at work tomorrow. No risk of getting there later than I should, since the walk/train/shuttle is an exacting science. in fact, I need to get there a tad earlier, so I can buy another 10 Pass.
I’ll shorthand the work stuff for now: First week was great, really like the people, and all my assumptions about a design firm/agency job as opposed to a one client gig seem accurate, so far; chatted with the boss on Friday about the commute not doable long-term, so we’re going to figure out how to resolve. I root, of course, for the city; I spent 20 hours last week getting to/from work; and will do the same this week.
OK, that’s not the stuff I plan to ramble on about today… if I’m bored with commute talk, ya’ll certainly must be. I’ll suffer in silence for a while longer…
So, between the time I took the job and accepted it, or perhaps even from the interview on, where I had a good sense that I would be hired, it was an introspective time. Not necessarily job-related, but assessing who I am now, how I’ve changed, what still needs modification, etc.
The biggest personal change is that I am trying to remove external goals from my life. Not sure if that sounds right, but I’ll overexplain as per usual. It seems to affect the three main things I’ve been pursuing, the three Bs (book, body, boy).
I think that I have, for WAY too long, used things outside myself as when something will change in my life. The book, for example, is always held out as a time when I will become more social, because the time spent writing/editing/thinking about it will become available and I can turn all of that into social energy or somesuch. There’s also the ego component of being able to reluctantly (after a lot of work making sure you teach yourself to convincingly seem reluctant) tell people you wrote a novel, etc.
Then there is the body. I keep using my goal weight as a magic time when i will be confident enough to date, approach guys more readily, etc., etc., which is again, nonsense.
Rounding it off is, of course, the boy. This is pretty obvious after the above two… if I’m not readily being social, not feeling good about the body issues, well. won’t be any boys until that resolves itself.
I’ve written about this stuff before, but there is a shift this time. I think I always saw these as healthy goals, things worth pursuing, but I don’t anymore.
The most obvious bullshit of the three is the body. I have gotten myself so wired about how much weight I have to lose, and wondering how my new job will affect my eating patterns, and my gym attendance, etc., etc., and it is all just another form of procrastination. I’ve spent so long as someone who needs to lose only 10 more pounds, I never let myself be someone who’s lost 115 or whatever it is (no weight watchers this week, you can guess why… heh).
I think keeping my goal out of reach, and with the self-sabotage that accompanies it, keeps me free not to have to take the scary steps forward that are on the horizon.
I’m honestly thinking that it’s time to dump weight watchers. Still pick a day a week to hit the scales at the gym and record it and all, but… should I know that I gained .4 pounds, or lost .2 in any given week? It seems like this will only lead to an ongoing maniacal view of weight. I mean, I’m gay… when I get down to my proper body size, I’ll have clothes that are tight enough that I won’t need a scale to tell me when thigns are drifting in the wrong direction.
I also noticed that a lot of the sabotage was timed with weight watchers. Like, if I weighed in on a Wednesday morning, Wednesday would be a crazy eating day… sort of a challenge like, "Well, off to a bad start… can you make it right in the next seven days?" So, looking to roll that out long term, where with less focus on my weight, I will become less wrapped up in it, and (I think) more likely to just get on living like someone with an average-sized body.
The novel…
Well, I should address that. A lot of people are concerned about the full-time job and how that will affect the book, and whether this book will come out in their lifetimes, etc. I can tell you that, with no doubt, the book is not falling off the radar, although in the short term it is backburnered.
As for taking the job, well, I was out of money. Simple as that. Thankfully, I scored a great job through some serendipity. So, I’m basically like all wanna-be novelists now, having to let the market tell them if they get to quit their day jobs once they are published. Not too rare. I also think I work well with constraint, so knowing that I have a three hour window in which to write, that works for me. Probably more than when I gave myself the whole day… I like margins and discipline, etc.
So, back to the topic at hand…
The novel isn’t going to change my life. In some ways that is disingenuous, of course. Publishing a novel is a huge undertaking, but it will not change my internal wiring. You can’t just say "OK, time to be social now." I haven’t built that muscle memory up, there is no routine to fall back on. The early isolation of my sexuality that I kept alive through my body size is about to resolve itself when I become a boringly gay, average-looking guy. Any social perks the novel gives me won’t be entirely real events. Sure, I’m certain there will be new people coming into my life as a result, publishers, editors, agents… just like my new job has the promise of meeting new and interesting people I want to add to the mix. But, if I don’t naturally vibe with people as a social person, or someone to whom that sort of interaction comes easily, then it certainly won’t be improved by becoming more public. It will just magnify things, the parts where I’ll be confident (having finally written the book) will be easier, but the stuff where I’m still inept, that will resonate even stronger than before… It’s like you always hear, fame never really changed anybody, assholes become bigger assholes, etc., etc., so this needs to be worked on whether or not I’m ever writing a book.
So, I’m just shifting my expectations internally. Become a better, more social person slowly, learning what it takes to get there, and don’t wait to become a published author with whatever fake attention that might bring to sort the shit out. Same with the body… the intense focus is helping nothing. Give up. Be who you are now. Still work out, eat right, etc., etc., and it will just happen.
I think keeping the achievment of my goals external has given the part of me that doesn’t want to change more opportunities to derail me. It’s all that become the change you want to see or whatever hippies say.
Hmm, I think I’m going to post another quick thing… which was already above this, if you read two things.
