That’s the term I’ve started using for the time I’ve spent recently.
I’m not someone to take the easy road. I actually don’t think one exists. Insert Robert Frost line here.
By doing yoga, meditating, losing weight, all of these things, I’m redefining who I am.
When it comes to writing, I largely don’t know what I’m doing, so every day I learn how to do what it is I want to do. I realize there is a simplistic version where I’ve always been a writer, and now I’m just writing a different thing, but… it’s just not true. There are skills that carry over, sure. But, a large part of it is like… what am I doing?
I think part of that is education-based. In high school, I tuned out. In college, I did what I needed to do to get by. I never really built a skill set where I learned to challenge myself and rise to a challenge. I’ve always been smart enough to do work whereby I didn’t really have to give 100 percent. Only now, I came up with something that demands it, so I’m learning how to do that. In school, I could aply myself just a little bit, and pass a test. My jobs? Pretty much the same story. Of course, it is a bit silly, as I know I have the skills and talent, but I’ve never had to teach myself this degree of focus before. So, it’s a learning process.
On the personal side, a lot has changed. I know there are people who lose weight, and they just become skinny versions
of who they were before. Of course, I would never do something so easy. To me, it is just a ton of inquiry. I think my weight affected a lot of directions in my life (sexuality, too, to a much much smaller extent). So, it isn’t a case of just losing weight and doing the same thing as before. I see myself as a new person, and part of defining who this new person is is questioning everything from the ground up.
I mean, at present, I’m developing a spiritual side, a yoga practice, a meditation practice, a writing practice, a vegan identity, a gay identity, and… each one of these things on their own can be pretty revealing. A yoga teacher the other day asked me if anything emotional was coming up because of how dedicated I’ve been, as they believe yoga is a way to deal with emotional issues. But, honestly, when you add that to everything else, who can determine a causal relation between anything right now? I’ve got too much going on. If yoga bringing up emotions? Or is it the writing? Or the meditation? Or the spiritual quest?
I do think there is going to be a convergence and clarity on all of the above in this calendar year, though.
That’s sort of where The Jesus Years term comes from. I mean, you hear that Jesus was born in a manger and all that (probably untrue, but whatever). And then you hear that he’s a carpenter, goes into the desert for 40 days, and starts teaching the world his message.
So, that’s quite a chunk of missing time there, between infant and carpenter. I mean, decades are unaccounted for?! And that’s sort of how i feel about my time now. I shouldn’t really be writing about it on here. It’s not really something that benefits from documentation. Much better to come out the other side of it all and just have it all together.
I’m kind of avoiding anything that leads to this discussion lately. Haven’t been looking to date, since it’s like, ugh, do i really want to have to talk about any of this?! I recently RSVP’d as not attending a wedding for the same reason (I’ll show up in church, though, just not for the dinner/reception). Just not really wanting to put myself in situations where this comes up as a topic. Any of it.
Just want to show up fully-defined down the road a bit, have a finished book, established yoga practice, spiritual clarity
, and just really stop all the navel-gazing. Well, you know… AFTER this is posted, that is.