… but they say, “No… no… no.”

Oddly enough, the position they have open is nearly the EXACT job I did for 5.5 years at Macromedia, but they said none of their openings was a “strong match.”

Go figure. heh.

If people are really concerned about Barry Bonds juicing up and breaking Hank Aaron’s home run record, umm, just walk his ass. Every game. 4 Balls. Walk. 4 Balls. Walk. Until he leaves baseball… I’m not saying he ever juiced, lots of men go from a size 10.5 to 13 shoe as an adult. But this sort of thing taints the purity of the… oh wait, I don’t care about baseball.

So, been replying to a lot of personal ads on Craigslist (and if any of you found this site: hello!). My take so far is that aside from the over-specific ones, the vast majority are too similar. If everyone was able to line up and date purely based on what we do with ourselves in our free time, there would apparently be a lot more couples out there.

Eating out. Cooking. Working out. Yoga. Movies. Music. Dancing. Exploring the neighborhoods. Going to the beach.

I’m not saying this is a bad thing, and I guess you could whittle the list down a bit if a lot of those don’t line up and the picture didn’t do much for you, but once you meet, it’s not like you have a lot of specific stuff that intersects. “So, you like restaurants, huh?”

Not saying I have any intention of stopping, but one thing I have sort of noticed:

Very few people read.

And I guess that sort of reminds me of the line in Terence McNally’s “Love! Valour! Compassion!” when one of the house guests says: “I’m puzzled. What kind of statement about his work do you think a choreographer is making by living with a blind person?”

I mean, I don’t know that I need a voracious book reader. Even someone who mainly reads non-fiction (as most of the world does these days) would be OK. But it seems like there needs to be some connection on that level, no?

I mean, my mother and stepfather seem to have few overlapping interests. They rarely read the same books, want to see the same movies, watch TV together, but beyond all that, there is enough shared to keep it going.

So, am I making too much of my bad batting average finding readers here? Should I be going to the gay book group every month, if that’s a big thing? Should it even be a big thing? Does any of that sort of overlap even matter? I rarely care what sort of career they have, as long as they are happy with it and such. So, why do they need to line up with what I do?

Anyway, just been tossing that around, figured I’d toss it up here.

Wow, I had debated staying home tonight… at a concert Tuesday, some theater/cabaret on Wednesday, so was debating whether a free screening of an upcoming Iraq War documentary was really something I should be going to see for my third event in a row.

I’m so glad I did.

“No End In Sight” really changed my mind about the war. In other ways, it makes me wonder what happened to journalism. I mean, sure, everything in this film was reported by the mainstream press, but in some ways it seems the press has the same problems as the Bush Administration in that they seem to have very little context for what’s going on, an inability to report the big picture instead of the news of the day, and information that would have made the post-war successful, all of which was discarded.

The incompetence of this administration is nothing new, of course. But as one person says in the movie’s trailer (below), there were two or three ways to get the post-war right, and 500 ways to get it wrong… who knew we were going to try all 500 ways first?

The biggest shift for me is that I no longer think we can leave Iraq, because I put so much more blame for every single aspect of how botched that country is now squarely on America’s shoulders. I think we have a moral obligation to fix it, but I don’t think the problem is radical Islam, or insurgents as much anymore. It’s more a case that we created a perfect biosphere for that stuff to flourish and, over time, we can turn it back.

None of the dots in the movie are new, but when connected, they are compelling. Basically, Bush and his senior administration ignored every shred of intel about how to manage the post-war. For example, in World War II, we spent two years coming up with a plan on how to manage Germany after the war. Not that we’d even won the war or anything yet. In Iraq, the post-war people were tasked with doing it in 60 days.

The problem started with the looting. For days, we let chaos get root in Iraq. We let 7,000 years of history walk away from their libraries and museums. We saw footage of people stealing little vases and TV, and Rumsfeld (who comes across as an even bigger asshole than I ever imagined, and I thought he should be in jail even *before* I saw this movie) says it is like looting here, and blamed TV for repeating the same footage, saying they show the same vase being stolen every hour, but it’s only one vase. Untrue. They were actually knocking over buildings with cranes just to steal the rebar.

Our troops did nothing to stop them because they were ordered not to interfere. So, we let chaos begin while simultaneously taking away their history and relics of their cultural identity. The intelligence community gave them a list of 20 buildings that needed to be protected for this reason, but it was ignored. Only an oil refinery was protected.

One interesting thing was that most of our time, while this was going on, was looking for WMDs and Saddam Hussein. So, as much as the administration made that stuff up, they actually seemed to have convinced themselves it was true, which is as telling as it is sad.

Then, we de-Baathify the country. So, anyone that was in the ruling party under Saddam was immediately out of work for good. Which, would make sense, if he weren’t a murderous tyrannical dictator. Otherwise, a lot of people who were “in” the Baath party were just there to mke a living, not get killed, and provide for their families.

So, on top of chaos, no power, no water, no electricity, no sewage, and being occupied by soldiers, with an 8 p.m. curfew that has extended for years, now every intellectual and business interest in the country is out of a job.

Then, we get rid of Saddam’s Army. So, now, every young male in Iraq (required to serve in the Army) is also not earning a salary. more than half the country now is without basic services, and no one is making money. And, during this time, we do nothing to help this along.

In fact, it’s hard for our poorly-planned post-war team to even get started, because the building they are moving into was looted and all of their time is being spent setting up basic communications, setting up offices, etc. Sadly, MANY of the decision makers on the post-war strategy had never stepped foot in Iraq, didn’t know the culture, history, or anything else. One professor helping with the post-war ran into a student that he had just graduated with a bachelor’s degree. He figured she was volunteering, but her parents were Bush donors, so she was actually in charge of mapping out the traffic patterns for all of Baghdad, which she was completely unqualified to do.

So, basically, we created a perfect set-up for lawlessness, desperation, and then the mosques kicked in to provide them the services and support that we weren’t. As for them being radical fundamentalist, etc., it seems that system was created by *us*, whereas the take I keep hearing is that radical Islam has been plotting for us all along, etc., etc., but I honestly don’t believe that anymore. We created an environment where people lost all hope in a future, and religion is one of the best answers when things are going poorly.

For those reasons, I think we can’t leave Iraq. But not because we have to fight them there or we’d be fighting them here. That is nonsense. I think the people we are fighting there are the people we claimed to be fighting for, but then we abandoned them, abused them, crushed their spirits, treated them poorly, and then seemed surprised when they came after us.

Of course, not hard to realize that if you fire the army, and can’t guard the place where all the guns and ammo are stored around the country, then those people have complete access to load up for battle. So, it isn’t really Osama and everyone else with their deep pockets giving them guns and weaponry to compete with us, it was our own incompetence that provided them with everything they needed.

The important thing about this film is that it is not partisan (although if all the major errors happened in the Bush Administration, it’s hard for it to really be balanced, but who says balance really needs to exist?). A majority of the talking heads in this flick are administration insiders, the people who were there on the ground, making the post-war decisions, or journalists that have been there for years, actual soldiers. It isn’t just a leftist screed about Bush being stupid with smart liberals doing talking points. It shows the people who made the intelligence reports, the people who delivered the intelligence reports, and then the orders coming down that ignored the findings of the reports. Apparently, one 300+-page report was condensed into a one-page summary for Bush (since they knew he wouldn’t read the whole thing). Only… he didn’t even bother to read the summary, just dismissed it as speculation and such in a press conference.

The movie has made the issue even more complex. I think all the talk now that we hear about civil war and such is part of the new campaign to get us geared up to pull out. I don’t know that I can sign on to that anymore.

But, if anything, the blame for this isn’t Al Qaeda. even if they are in control (which I’m not sure about), we did everything we could to flood the line at their booth on career day, by making sure that fighting Satan was the only job left for these people.

Click here to check out the trailer:

Been on the new schedule for a week or so now, and it’s going OK, although I am changing it up tomorrow…

The cardio/yoga two-fer is just a pretty intense way to start the day, and I need to remember that the main focus is working on the book. So, getting up at 6:40 to finish yoga by 8:20 to walk to the 9 a.m. yoga to get home at 11 to have an early lunch and then start working on the book in the p.m. hours…. well, it just front-loads a lot of my day.

Doing both of them has definitely affected me, in the sense that I am ravenous when both have finished. And on one occasion, I got the sense that I had already overexerted with the cardio, and that yoga would be pushing things, so I went home after cardio that day.

I just think there is more flexibility doing it the other way around. Waking up and working on the book first, putting everything else as a nice bonus after the real work has been done for the day.

Of course, this is the time to experiment, since the first week or two is just trying to get myself in a place to be creative anyway. I put my time in every day, but until you settle into it being a regular thing, you don’t really get the feeling you are doing your best work yet.

Making progress, though (despite a misguided attempt to add some tonal thing of the main character addressing the actual reader of the book. Way too cute. Brought nothing to the table. But it was only one day. It is deleted now.)

People always ask and I never tell much of anything (”OK,” “Fine.”), but every so often, it seems necessary to do this.

So, on Thursday, I started a new schedule, whereby I’m doing cardio and Bikram yoga every morning, after which I plan to work on the book. The idea all along had been to spend four days reading the last draft of the book, and then start rewriting it on Monday. But, I was enjoying it so much, I finished a day early.

I realize this might seem a bit strange to people, enjoying my own book, since well, I wrote it. But, here’s the thing about rewriting… I always started at the beginning. So, every time, I would edit chapter one, two, three… and then get off-track for whatever reason. Needless to say, the latter half of the book was like reading a book by someone else it has been so long since I read this stuff.

I was actually laughing out loud in many places and, toward the end, I kept reading faster and faster (like I do with most novels), because I wanted to see how it ended. There have been many drafts and many endings, so I honestly forgot which one this version had, heh.

Most importantly, I have the clearest vision of the book now that I have ever had. With this reading, I came up with two new things to bury earlier that will make things happening later come with a bigger payoff as a result.

I would have to say that I finally feel like I’m at the point now where I’m just removing the stuff that “isn’t the book” and adding stuff that needs to be in the book, but it’s all gravitating to an existing vision, which may very well be for the first time.

I dumped all of the framing device nonsense that has always been my biggest hurdle. I do question why someone is telling me a story when I read a novel, like… why is this guy just starting to talk to me, without telling me why?! But I think the problem with a framing device is that (at my current writing level), it robs the element of surprise from the narrator. If the narrative is told from a future perspective, whether that future happens after the events in the book or during them at a later time, everything up until that point has no mystery to the person telling the story. And, I’d rather not give up the mystery, and tell the best story I can with that caveat.

Some thing that need fixing (future book reviewers, here is your ammunition if you think the finished product doesn’t resolve these known quantities adequately!). And, keep in mind, this stuff is all coded to make sense to me, not you. At first, I thought, isn’t it masturbatory to blog about stuff that has no use for anyone but me? But then, I figured, well once the book is published, this will be fun for my stalkers. Not to mention, a non-masturbatory blog entry is an oxymoron anyway.

So, here’s the stuff I need to fix:

• Remember what Marilyn Manson told me about people who create a public persona: “I always get pissed off when people say ‘Is this really you?’ Well, if it’s is an act, at some point in my life it has consumed and it’s no longer an act, because it’s all that I know.”
• The counterpoint stuff I learned from Madame Bovary can be used with great application at certain points in the novel.
• The characters all seem to learn the same things independently (e-mail, etc.), and then talk about them. This leads to scenes of exposition followed by scenes of dialogue. Yawn. Get people together as often as possible to learn stuff at the same time so they can learn and comment in real time together. That will tighten a lot of shit up. Get them doing a third thing independent of learning and commenting and then we’re really talking.
• Just to be clear, those two guns need to be buried early. (Guns is a Chuck term, there are no actual guns in the novel).
• The humanity of/empathy for the protagonist needs to be established early, or else we don’t care why he’s doing things. Similarly, the two lead characters need more interaction up front, show their relationship building over time. Too abrupt.
• Really paint beautiful tertiary characters, they open the book up a lot more. But, honestly, the story doesn’t need them for all that much narrative. So hit them, make them memorable and fun, and dump them.
• This isn’t sci-fi, paragraphs of exposition are boring. How did the character learn this information that he/she seems to just be blathering at us? Why aren’t we learning it with them, preferably in some amusing manner?
• As we know first-hand, writing a book is boring, so why do we see the character writing his book within a book? Who cares? Yawn.
• Lose the existential angst. Tiresome. (Ties in to Manson note above).
• Lose the protagonist’s second-guessing. (Who would think this would work?!) Again: Yawn.
• Use the internal framing devices sparingly. They often seem to just be a recipe for inviting tangental information into the book without having to think hard. There are myriad ways to get that information in legitimately, find them. Only good to compress time.
• Redesign the office/studios so the characters can be seeing what is going on in the workout studios while talking, whether that is video cameras or an architectural tweak. People having conversation with something else to cut to, refer to = interesting. Two talking heads = boring.
• Debate the merits of the character’s book appearing/not appearing anywhere in the actual book. It used to be interstitial content, possibly a “flipper” (whereby people could flip the book over and read the character’s non-fiction book separately). Current draft just references it with very little pull-out. Just needs a decision, as that affects how much/little appears in the novel itself.
• Character no longer gets “A-ha!” moment in act two, so tone that stuff down, we’ll hit it later for bigger payoff.

And, that’s all that hits me for right now.

But the upside is, I am rather pleased with how much I liked what I read. If you’ve followed this blog in the past, I’m not certain how long it’s been since you read something along those lines.

So, I’m going to take tomorrow off, just do my workouts, let this stuff simmer for a day, and then jump right in on Monday morning.

The most important news of the day was that my wallet made its USPS arrival in my mailbox today. I have no recollection how much money I had in the wallet, aside from knowing I don’t carry much, so I’m still a bit perplexed as to why someone would take it across the street, in front of a police station no less, and then just drop it without seemingly taking anything? And then, in addition to that, someone finds it and goes out of their way to track me down, ships it to me and refuses to even dip into the wallet to pay for the padded envelope, postage, and delivery confirmation. In any event, that issue is over now, aside from me waiting for all new cards, since these are all voided. A big thank you to the people who went above and beyond the call to get it back to me!

Today, I started my new schedule, which is 45 minutes of cardio at the gym, timed so that I can immediately walk over to my yoga studio and do the 9 a.m. class, then come home and do all that writer stuff. Wasn’t too bad stacking them like that. It was most noticeable in the introductory breathing exercises, since I am usually warming up at that point, but since I had already done a workout, they were actually better. And, of course, it took me less time to get sweating, since I’d already soaked one T-shirt through already that morning.

Just wrote up my review of the True Colors tour on Oasis, if anyone’s into reading about that. Otherwise, I’m winding down early for bed.

My cardio workouts often begin with Heather Small. The slow build of “Proud” sets the tone.

I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can’t stop me now
And you can do the same

By the time the chorus hits, I’m on a machine, pedaling away, and smiling.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It’s never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

This year, gay pride in San Francisco was an amazing event. I’ve been all over the map on Pride throughout the years. It used to be my annual time of reflection, body image, and blahblahblah, but I’m over that nonsense.

The debates will always continue over Pride. What message it sends, what its purpose is, how it gives people footage to use against us (like they really need any help), etc. But I didn’t experience a single moment of thinking along those lines this year. It was just a celebration.

One friend skipped the event telling me he already had enough rainbow gear. It’s something that could have been said by me in year’s past, but I was on the lookout for the people wearing their rainbow gear now. They were the new people joining the party, adding their life story and experience to the side that will win the debate long-term.

Whenever I saw someone in their 20s or 30s, wearing the official pride T-shirt, and too much rainbow stuff, I made a point of smiling at them, sharing a moment, and wordlessly letting them know I was happy they made it here.

It’s easy to get jaded in San Francisco. We live a reality not shared by many, and we can forget that far too easily.

The Friday before Pride, I made a point of going out to the club because I remembered the same vibe last year. The same club I am often found at on Friday nights, just filled even tighter with people. But they had traveled to be here; this wasn’t their home turf, and they looked around and provided a glimpse into how special such a thing is in the larger picture. The entire club was transformed by their energy and their smiling faces.

It is also nice how on Pride weekend, language flows easier between everyone. It isn’t necessarily sexual, which is sometimes the assumption when you say anything to someone at a club. On Pride, everyone is hoping everyone else has a good weekend, whatever that means for them. You hug strangers goodbye that you barely spoke with earlier, tell them to have fun. It isn’t about drama or hooking up, although both exist if you want them, just working together to create a space where we are all beautiful and sharing magic together. I wonder if the tourists think it is like that here every week, not realizing they bring a lot of that spirit into the mix.

On a personal level, I’ve been there full-time lately when I go out. But that started a while ago. It started when I would walk around the Castro, and just smile at people. The impulse was first to smile at guys I thought were hot, of course, but then I widened the nets. I started smiling at older guys, chubby guys, way-too-young guys, to the point where I have a pretty good return-rate on smiling now.

But that also plays into experiments I did at the bar while sober. I got to the point now where I’m pretty good at sorting out who is living their truth. Guys who aren’t fronting, trying to wear some awkward-fitting persona that they think is who they need to be to get who they want, dressing in a way that isn’t them, but for the person they want to attract, etc. You really can tell who the guys living their truth are after a while; they laugh easy, and don’t go out of their way to make eye contact with people because they are fully present without the external validation. When you do catch their eye, your smile is returned quickly and without question, because it isn’t sexual or carrying any other message than two spirits able to see each other without pretense.

On Oasis and chatting with friends, a lot of people think I’m a slut, because in any given situation, I never put barriers on when sexual activity should take place. This is usually in relation to people with someone in mind, dating, and asking what I think (and, often, with the variables they give me, my response is usually to go for it). And I guess for me, the question is silly. My viewpoint is simple. In a world with billions of people, and being part of a sexual minority, in a fractured community, if two people somehow blast through all of that and find each other and just get a great vibe from someone, it seems ridiculous to put some mental scrutiny on top of that as to what level of sexual activity is appropriate. If two people can find each other in this crazy world, whether for a night, a weekend, or whatever, I say go for it.

I think as soon as you are questioning sexual activity beforehand, you’re with the wrong person or it is the wrong time for you. And hearing from these morally superior serial monogamists who wait a whole three dates before doing anything, and break up shortly thereafter, is always a bit tragic. I think it is a higher calling to be able to find communion with another soul on this planet, whatever direction that connection takes, and any movement away from that is anti-spiritual.

Of course, all of this drastically simplifies one aspect, which is how amazingly difficult it is to find someone who would meet the criteria (thus making it antithetical to slutty). I’m not even certain I could enumerate what that vibe is exactly, just that I know I when I see it, and I don’t see it often. It has to be someone fully present in their own skin, without pretense, radiating enjoyment and openness. And, on top of that rarity, you have to have an extra vibe toward one another, too. I can’t describe it beyond that, though, but it’s not something you can typically find every night.

This seems like a wild tangent, but to me, it’s interesting how, over time, people get themselves pushed into corners that say who they are sexually, what they are into and, bringing it back around, why they are jaded by Pride.

In October, I’m going to Disney World with my three-year-old nephew (abrupt transition after the gay sex talk, I realize) and part of the fun of that is going to see Disney through the eyes of a three-year-old. I am not even sure what his mind makes of what, to me, is someone probably sweating unbearably in a big fake-looking mouse costume. I think he’ll actually see Mickey Mouse. And, in that moment, I think I will too.

When I was at gay pride this year, I remembered all the postings on Oasis from kids who were upset they couldn’t go to a Pride event, saying someday they would finally get to go to one. I saw friends taking pictures of people on the sly, not ready to approach them, and that told me there was still work they needed to do on themselves. And I saw the newly-out gays wide-eyed, grinning ear to ear and taking their pictures with drag queens. Without knowing their stories, I know everyone had some tale that would describe how they arrived in this moment, and that many had arrived at this joy through pain.

And, that weekend, I tried to be completely present, and see as much of it as I could through their eyes. And, in those moments, it wasn’t a case of seeing how it would seem special to them. In those moments, I saw the power, the potential, and the possibility of everything this community has to offer, and how amazingly blessed we all are to have each other. I spent much of the weekend with great friends, surrounded by loving people, smiling.

My question now is how we can all learn to live there on a regular basis.

Going to start using a different “voice” for the blog. A bit more… processed. Up until now, it’s mainly been my direct unfiltered voice, but that doesn’t require any effort.

So, today, I was off to the yoga studio to chat with the owners about their website. I’m working up the wireframe and getting the text ready before we hand it off to my friend to make it beautiful. End result: I never pay for yoga.

Anyway, I’m walking past Community Thrift and realize it is the first Monday of the month, which means it is 50 percent off day. So, I go check out the books. It’s always hit or miss, usually the latter. Not to mention, there are some people who really gear up for 50% off day. I find three books I want and, with 50% off day, these seemingly pristine hardcovers come to $3 and change.

So, I pay for them with a $5 and at once I’m trying to put away my money, move my items out of the way, they’re giving me my previously checked backpack, and the next person in line is already standing there like I’m holding up her entire day.

I try to juggle all these things efficiently and somehow fail. A few steps out of the store, having only purchased my items a few steps inside the door, I realize I have no wallet. I immediately go back inside. It’s not on the floor. I ask the cashier, and we can’t find it anywhere around the entire area. i check the backpack. Nothing.

I find the crazy, seemingly-homeless lady who was crowding me to get away from the register, and she says she didn’t see anything and she didn’t take it.

So, without my wallet, I continue on to the yoga studio. Earphones back in, Madonna singing again. I’m sort of happy how it’s just become a few new to-do list items and nothing I’m really freaked out over. Call my credit card companies, check with the DMV, etc.

When I get to yoga, they insist I call the credit card companies before we do anything, because that way if purchases are made after I call, it will be more likely to result in me not being liable, etc. Sounds good, so I call them, stop those cards, new ones all come within 5-7 days from now.

We have lunch, and as we walk, I see coins on the sidewalk. I take that as the sign that my wallet will be returned, but as to not appear crazy, I don’t mention it.

I check the Oasis maildrop, and on my way past my gym, where I pop in to get a temporary card as I’m planning to start cardio and Bikram starting Thursday, and I see a dime on the sidewalk. Again, i think that is just my sign, so I figure I’ll leave the coins for someone else.

When I get home, of course, there is a message. Someone found my wallet. It was found across the street from the store where I lost/dropped/had it stolen. But it is completely intact. Oddly enough, the person who grabbed my wallet took it over to in front of the police station to discard it, which goes against how i would personally act were I a criminal, but whatever. The people who found it live in Sonoma, so didn’t get it back today, but they are going to put it in a padded envelope and mail it back to me first thing tomorrow, so with the holiday I’ll likely get it Thursday.

I told them to use the cash in the wallet to pay for the padded envelope and shipping, and he said he wouldn’t touch my money and not to worry about it.

So, it’s still a bit weird not having a wallet in my pants, but I took a passport and a checkbook up to the bank and got enough green to last a few days (I’m usually a debit card person for everything).

But, yeah, I was kind of pleased how unfazed I was by losing it, how expectant I was there would be a message for me at home, and how kind and gracious the person is who found it. He said the only thing he wants from me is a call to know I got it returned safely.