Redefining Pride…
My cardio workouts often begin with Heather Small. The slow build of “Proud” sets the tone.
I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can’t stop me now
And you can do the same
By the time the chorus hits, I’m on a machine, pedaling away, and smiling.
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It’s never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
This year, gay pride in San Francisco was an amazing event. I’ve been all over the map on Pride throughout the years. It used to be my annual time of reflection, body image, and blahblahblah, but I’m over that nonsense.
The debates will always continue over Pride. What message it sends, what its purpose is, how it gives people footage to use against us (like they really need any help), etc. But I didn’t experience a single moment of thinking along those lines this year. It was just a celebration.
One friend skipped the event telling me he already had enough rainbow gear. It’s something that could have been said by me in year’s past, but I was on the lookout for the people wearing their rainbow gear now. They were the new people joining the party, adding their life story and experience to the side that will win the debate long-term.
Whenever I saw someone in their 20s or 30s, wearing the official pride T-shirt, and too much rainbow stuff, I made a point of smiling at them, sharing a moment, and wordlessly letting them know I was happy they made it here.
It’s easy to get jaded in San Francisco. We live a reality not shared by many, and we can forget that far too easily.
The Friday before Pride, I made a point of going out to the club because I remembered the same vibe last year. The same club I am often found at on Friday nights, just filled even tighter with people. But they had traveled to be here; this wasn’t their home turf, and they looked around and provided a glimpse into how special such a thing is in the larger picture. The entire club was transformed by their energy and their smiling faces.
It is also nice how on Pride weekend, language flows easier between everyone. It isn’t necessarily sexual, which is sometimes the assumption when you say anything to someone at a club. On Pride, everyone is hoping everyone else has a good weekend, whatever that means for them. You hug strangers goodbye that you barely spoke with earlier, tell them to have fun. It isn’t about drama or hooking up, although both exist if you want them, just working together to create a space where we are all beautiful and sharing magic together. I wonder if the tourists think it is like that here every week, not realizing they bring a lot of that spirit into the mix.
On a personal level, I’ve been there full-time lately when I go out. But that started a while ago. It started when I would walk around the Castro, and just smile at people. The impulse was first to smile at guys I thought were hot, of course, but then I widened the nets. I started smiling at older guys, chubby guys, way-too-young guys, to the point where I have a pretty good return-rate on smiling now.
But that also plays into experiments I did at the bar while sober. I got to the point now where I’m pretty good at sorting out who is living their truth. Guys who aren’t fronting, trying to wear some awkward-fitting persona that they think is who they need to be to get who they want, dressing in a way that isn’t them, but for the person they want to attract, etc. You really can tell who the guys living their truth are after a while; they laugh easy, and don’t go out of their way to make eye contact with people because they are fully present without the external validation. When you do catch their eye, your smile is returned quickly and without question, because it isn’t sexual or carrying any other message than two spirits able to see each other without pretense.
On Oasis and chatting with friends, a lot of people think I’m a slut, because in any given situation, I never put barriers on when sexual activity should take place. This is usually in relation to people with someone in mind, dating, and asking what I think (and, often, with the variables they give me, my response is usually to go for it). And I guess for me, the question is silly. My viewpoint is simple. In a world with billions of people, and being part of a sexual minority, in a fractured community, if two people somehow blast through all of that and find each other and just get a great vibe from someone, it seems ridiculous to put some mental scrutiny on top of that as to what level of sexual activity is appropriate. If two people can find each other in this crazy world, whether for a night, a weekend, or whatever, I say go for it.
I think as soon as you are questioning sexual activity beforehand, you’re with the wrong person or it is the wrong time for you. And hearing from these morally superior serial monogamists who wait a whole three dates before doing anything, and break up shortly thereafter, is always a bit tragic. I think it is a higher calling to be able to find communion with another soul on this planet, whatever direction that connection takes, and any movement away from that is anti-spiritual.
Of course, all of this drastically simplifies one aspect, which is how amazingly difficult it is to find someone who would meet the criteria (thus making it antithetical to slutty). I’m not even certain I could enumerate what that vibe is exactly, just that I know I when I see it, and I don’t see it often. It has to be someone fully present in their own skin, without pretense, radiating enjoyment and openness. And, on top of that rarity, you have to have an extra vibe toward one another, too. I can’t describe it beyond that, though, but it’s not something you can typically find every night.
This seems like a wild tangent, but to me, it’s interesting how, over time, people get themselves pushed into corners that say who they are sexually, what they are into and, bringing it back around, why they are jaded by Pride.
In October, I’m going to Disney World with my three-year-old nephew (abrupt transition after the gay sex talk, I realize) and part of the fun of that is going to see Disney through the eyes of a three-year-old. I am not even sure what his mind makes of what, to me, is someone probably sweating unbearably in a big fake-looking mouse costume. I think he’ll actually see Mickey Mouse. And, in that moment, I think I will too.
When I was at gay pride this year, I remembered all the postings on Oasis from kids who were upset they couldn’t go to a Pride event, saying someday they would finally get to go to one. I saw friends taking pictures of people on the sly, not ready to approach them, and that told me there was still work they needed to do on themselves. And I saw the newly-out gays wide-eyed, grinning ear to ear and taking their pictures with drag queens. Without knowing their stories, I know everyone had some tale that would describe how they arrived in this moment, and that many had arrived at this joy through pain.
And, that weekend, I tried to be completely present, and see as much of it as I could through their eyes. And, in those moments, it wasn’t a case of seeing how it would seem special to them. In those moments, I saw the power, the potential, and the possibility of everything this community has to offer, and how amazingly blessed we all are to have each other. I spent much of the weekend with great friends, surrounded by loving people, smiling.
My question now is how we can all learn to live there on a regular basis.
