The art of porn
I look at the pictures first, I’ll admit it.
After buying a new book today, I didn’t bother with the index or anything else. Certainly not the text. I’ll get there eventually, sure, but first, it’s about the visual elements.
It’s a weakness, but I never take in one photo for too long before I’m onto the next. And, far too soon, it’s over.
Let me describe the first picture. Just looking at it again and parts of my brain are already firing anew. I’m salivating.
Seven spicy tempeh nori rolls are arranged on a plate. All seven have the rice on the outside of the roll (and I know it’s wrong I forget the name for that. But, I’m being honest here. I could’ve Googled, come back and appeared smart, but I didn’t). Three of the rolls were rolled in black sesame seeds, the other four have some sort of orange-red powder on the outside (cayenne, perhaps?).
The second page is a Portobello Salad with Spicy Mustard Dressing. And, after that, it just gets worse, with subsequent pages adding an inset photo on every page, so that the dominant Baked BBQ Tofu with Apricot Sauce gets less time before you shift to the top right to take in the Hot Sauce-Glazed Tempeh. And we haven’t even hit the seitan yet!
I’ll admit it. I’m into food porn. So far, I stick to the pro stuff: professionally-bound books purchased in stores, with plentiful pictures of mouth-watering dishes. I had some Borders gift cards today, and this is what happened to them. I almost got two books, since I did have another card left, but I stuck to my guns and only bought the one book.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m aware there is a lot of amateur food porn online, but flickr doesn’t really do it for me. If I want to see a bunch of limp porcinis on ugly stoneware in bad lighting, I know it’s available. But, honestly, keep it in your kitchen. I’m not that desperate.
Besides, professional food porn is aspirational. With a recipe, a digital camera, and a Flickr account, I could make my own amateur stuff now. The bar is way too low. And, let’s face it, a lot of stuff on the amateur circuit could never go pro if it tried. I’d rather strive.
Better to make my Potato and Kale Enchiladas with Roasted Chile Sauce three or four times until they look like the photo than just bang out my first attempt at Chickpea Cutlets and think it’s ready for a money shot. Yeah, and next you’ll probably think I’d use non-organic beans from a can, as if…
Now, I do realize that my prowess is more kitchen than camera. And the pros have separate people doing both the cooking and the photography. So, when I do make my Eggplant-Potato Moussaka with Pine Nut Cream, I do take that into account. I won’t be using Photoshop to punch up the translucence of my quinoa.
But, that’s the point. This is about fantasy. I mean, sure, if I go to the French Laundry, it could be like that in real life every night. But Yountville is a total red-light district at this point, and I can’t afford to hire professionals every night.
No, I have to live in the real world most of the time. Some days, the food will taste perfect, but it might not photograph well. Other days, it might be photogenic but the spice balance is off. But, vegan comfort food is like a waiter’s tips at a gourmet restaurant, even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty darned good.
Soon enough, I’ll work my way into this book and try some of the moves myself. It’ll be a bit awkward at first, until I get to know them better. But, before long, it’ll find its own rhythm.
Of course, before I master it, there will be a new book, with new promises, perhaps a unifying theme, and the cycle will begin all over again.
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(Recipe names taken from my new vegan cookbook, just purchased today, Veganomicon: The Ultimate Vegan Cookbook, by Isa Chandra Moskowitz and Terry Hope Romero, authors of the amazing Vegan with a Vengeance and Vegan Cupcakes Take Over The World.)
